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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409720">Youth Gone Wild</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohwhoadude/pseuds/ohwhoadude'>ohwhoadude</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Evil Robot Funtimes (?) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bill &amp; Ted (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(that last one is pretty brief!), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Come Eating, Edgeplay, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Foursome - M/M/M/M, M/M, Nipple Play, Post-Bill &amp; Ted's Bogus Journey, Rimming, bottom!Bill, uh a couple of homophobic slurs get dropped so watch out for those</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:17:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409720</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohwhoadude/pseuds/ohwhoadude</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The continuation of Bill &amp; Ted's connections with their new, devious roommates with the consequences that follow for better - and for worse.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evil Robot Bill/Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq./Evil Robot Ted, Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq., Ted "Theodore" Logan/Evil Robot Ted</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Evil Robot Funtimes (?) [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Youth Gone Wild</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Alright here it finally is, my followup to Dr. Feelgood. I knew I couldn't top it so I decided not to and just try to figure out what sort of further story that could be told instead. As you can see, I wrote way too much but I hope it still works. You absolutely should go read that first since it's referenced quite a bit here. By the way, I didn't mention this last time but in this verse, Billie and Thea do not exist since I absolutely could not bear the thought of their dads spending more time boinking their evil robot selves instead of taking care of them. But maybe there's hope for them yet. (Ted Voice) You'll see!</p><p>Anyway follow me at @ohwhoadude on Twit if you want to see my whine about trying to write and generally talk about BNT and other shit. Alright let's go:</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Bill woke up the morning after letting himself have what felt like the impossible with Ted still snuggled against him, he was half-convinced that he’d discover that their evil counterparts would have disappeared without a trace.</p><p>Yet as soon as he took in the sight of them missing from the other side of the bed, he heard the telltale rustling of the two of them in the living area up to what was definitely no good. He didn’t know why he expected them to be gone; it’s not like they’d come back in time to teach them a lesson about listening to each other’s needs or anything. It was Evil Bill &amp; Ted, after all, and if there was anything they cared about, it certainly wasn’t love or caring or any other tender feelings. Something nagged Bill about the idea of going back to normal after the previous night, though, and it was partly due to the comforting weight against his chest.</p><p><em> My Ted </em>.</p><p>As he watches Ted sigh and nuzzle closer against him, he thinks about the way they sprinted from the phone booth once they realized they needed to properly learn how to play their guitars and fast, waiting until they were out and away from the crowd to pull each other close. He remembers the way Ted let himself kiss the palm he had against his cheek before looking away, afraid until Bill pulled him back in for their first proper kiss. Those sixteen months that felt like barely a second for all of those back in 1993 they were preparing for wasn’t just for their intense training, but the first time they saw every inch of each other’s skin. It was the first time they touched each other, the first time they tasted each other, and it was the first time they finally admitted just how badly they were in love with each other. It wasn’t until they got through that stressful, but rewarding time and basically saved the world that they finally officially made love in their apartment to celebrate the next morning. Bill knew that first times weren’t actually supposed to be perfect, but he and Ted’s nearly was and until last night, they hadn’t really needed to go through anymore firsts.</p><p>Going through his first foursome, first bought of rough sex, and first successful time eating someone out in the same night was most extravagant, but their lives have been less than normal since the end of their junior year, so as Ted finally starts to stir against him, Bill thinks that perhaps Evil Bill &amp; Ted weren’t the problem after all.</p><p>The first thing Ted does once he’s awake is thread his fingers through Bill’s and kiss his way up his chest until he reaches his neck and nuzzles there with a whisper of, “You up, dude?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he whispers back before lightly grazing his fingertips over Ted’s neck where the bruises he left last night have started to change color. “You feeling okay?”</p><p>He feels Ted nod against him, his bangs tickling his skin before he shimmies up to face him directly. “I feel excellent,” he says before kissing the tip of his nose, his voice soft and gentle as he brings his hands up to cup his face. “And I want to say thank you again.”</p><p>Bill chuckles, the other man’s sweetness getting to him. “I just want you to be happy, dude.”</p><p>Ted giggles softly. “We should wait a while to do that again, huh?”</p><p>“Probably,” Bill shrugs, running his thumbs along Ted’s sides. “You mean the rough stuff or…?”</p><p>He looks towards the door that’s open at a crack at the sound of Evil Bill telling Evil Ted to get out of the way of the TV in the other room and Ted bites his bottom lip pensively when he turns his attention back to him. “The rough stuff for sure, but,” Ted starts before moving to hug him closer and hide in his shoulder. “Would you be totally upset if I wanted to be with them again?”</p><p>Bill’s first instinct is to use logic and say that they absolutely shouldn’t, the two of them bound to be unpredictable again and seemingly uninterested in long conversations about their needs. As Ted waits for an answer, he feels that same new instinct tugging at him at the thought of Evil Bill gripping Ted close and taking him that’s telling him that no, Ted is <em> his </em>. Of course he knows he wouldn’t feel possessive like this if they weren’t still naked in bed with the remnants of what happened lingering in the air, but he can’t help but feel like the two of them will only want that new experience. This has to be special for them now and he can’t let them get in the middle of it and try to ruin it for the both of them.</p><p>The gentle touch of Ted’s fingers as they glide down to rest on his stomach makes his insides flutter, though, when he remembers an exact copy of those fingers making him think about another new experience that has him realizing he’s really gotta stop overthinking all of this.</p><p>“Bill?”</p><p>Ted’s voice sounds smaller now, making Bill move to tip his face up towards him before kissing him as softly as he can muster. “Can I think about it?”</p><p>The smile on Ted’s face is shy, but it’s still there as he nods with, “Sure, dude. They <em> are </em> most challenging.”</p><p>They both laugh at that, Bill giving him another kiss in response. It’s no surprise when Ted keeps him there this time, the two of them still very much naked and still very much pressed as close as they can be while Bill lets him coax his mouth open to sigh into. His fingers are delicate against Ted as they kiss, Bill wanting to treat him as softly as he can even as Ted slowly hitches his leg around his waist and thrusts forward. The feeling of Ted swelling against him has him sighing and moving to softly kiss the slope of his neck before taking them both in his hand. “Wanna make you feel good right now, though.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ted whispers back, bringing his hands from Bill’s stomach to rest on the small of his back instead. “Please.”</p><p>“I’ll take care of you.” Bill smiles over the way Ted shivers when he starts to stroke them in tandem before he moves to kiss just behind his ear. “You looked most enchanting last night, you know.”</p><p>Ted giggles softly and tries to squirm away when he nuzzles there, always having been ticklish in that area. “So did you - they think you’re ‘statuesque’ and they’re right.”</p><p>“Excellent,” Bill laughs out before leaning back to kiss Ted’s mouth instead. The other man feels different in his arms somehow as he jerks them off, his voice still so sweet and shy but his hands surer this time against him. He skirts one hand up to lightly clutch in his curls while the other drags down to squeeze his ass and encourage him to thrust into his fist with him and Bill can’t help but follow him. It would be so easy to ask him to move just a little further and pick up where Evil Ted left off, but it’s way too soon. They have to go back to normal for a while even if the thought of taking that next step excites him enough to lightly tug at Ted’s bottom lip with his teeth when he pulls away. “Maybe we could just do this all day. What do you think?”</p><p>Ted shakes his head, kneading the skin under his fingertips. “Not this,” he sighs out, licking at Bill’s lips and pulling away before Bill can reach him for more. “I want more.”</p><p>“What do you want?”</p><p>Before last night, Ted always got shyer than usual during their lovemaking and Bill often had to coax the words out of him through gentle coddling. This time, though, Ted’s pulling himself away with one last kiss before climbing further on the bed to rest his head on the pillow right where their mattresses meet with a whisper of, “I want you up here.”</p><p>Bill’s not sure what he anticipated when he sat up to look at him, but it wasn’t the way Ted hides his face in the pillow as he lays on his side and grabs behind his knee to lift up and show right where he wants him.</p><p>He wants to let himself move in and kiss along the goosebumps that spread out along Ted’s thigh before burying his face between his legs, but it would be cruel to drag this out after just how much his lover went through not even 24 hours ago. Instead Bill thanks his lucky stars that their doubles didn’t steal or hide the lube and it’s still sitting at the other end of the bed for him to take before crawling up to snuggle in close against Ted. Ted’s hole is a little more pliable under his index finger once it’s slicked up so it’s an easier first slide in that the other man hums happily over. The way he keeps his face in his pillow makes Bill kiss behind his ear again to get him to come out of hiding, grinning against him over the giggles he tries to hold in.</p><p>It’s not until he gets a second finger inside of him that Ted’s laughing out a soft moan of, “Come on, dude, stop.”</p><p>“Just want to see you, babe,” Bill says against the shell of his ear. “You always look so good when I do this.”</p><p>Ted huffs but it’s clear that it’s playful when he turns his head to squint at him. “And you’re most flattering,” he says before leaning in to kiss him. “But you totally got enough of it last-”</p><p>He gasps out before he can finish, Bill having made quick work of finding his prostate as he works him open. “That’s what I mean,” Bill chuckles out before kissing the corner of Ted’s open mouth. “Like it’s the first time I’m doing it.”</p><p>“I can’t help it.”</p><p>“Most outstanding,” he says before curling his fingers again. “Because I like it.”</p><p>That’s enough to make Ted whine and keep his leg up while he lets go and reaches for the back of Bill’s head to press their foreheads together. “Now, Bill, now.”</p><p>“Wait, really?”</p><p>Ted nods quickly, bumping noses with him in the process. “I’m ready, I swear,” he breathes against him. “Do it.”</p><p>“What, Ted,” Bill asks, not wanting to tease but needing to hear the exact words as he slowly but steadily fingers him. “Do what?”</p><p>“I - <em> nnh </em>, fuck m- make love to me, dude.”</p><p>Bill’s not gonna tease him for the slip of a request for something much different, but he keeps it in mind for later as he pulls his hand away to get himself ready. Ted wasn’t lying either, not needing as much prep this morning and making for another smooth entry once Bill’s ready and slipping inside him. He lets Ted keep holding him close as he adjusts and shudders out a satisfied moan over the feeling, grinning once he’s buried to the hilt. “Thank you.”</p><p>“You’re so welcome,” Bill says, grinning back at the way Ted laughs over it before he’s the one to grip Ted’s leg this time as he pulls out and goes for it.</p><p>He keeps it slow, not intent on anything but making his boyfriend feel good and the way Ted gently tugs at his curls and moves back to meet him proves he is. This is more like it and the sweet sounds coming from the back of Ted’s throat mixed with the gentle rustling of the sheets under them make Bill feel like a return to normalcy is possible. It’s meant to be like this, he knows that, which is why he has to let Ted kiss him and keep him close as much as he likes while he moves or else his mind may wander. It might let him remember the feeling of a much different Ted pressed against him promising all sorts of things and a much different Bill giving him hell for how he treats the man positively relishing in him right now.</p><p>Most importantly, it might let him remember that the bedroom door is very much still open and underneath everything, he can hear the TV very much still on and those two very much catching on to what they’re doing.</p><p>Lucky or unlucky for Bill - he can’t quite figure out which with his cock still deep inside him - Ted notices too and opens his eyes with a soft, “Bill?”</p><p>“Shh.”</p><p>He forces himself to calm down to the slowest speed he can muster, kissing his cheek before glancing to the doorway and straining his ears for their next move. Bill’s greeted by the sound of the TV shutting off before either Evil Bill or Evil Ted toss the remote onto the floor and kiss whoever wasn’t a complete dick to their appliances. As Ted lets out a desperate whimper over the way he just barely grazes his prostate, Bill hopes that they’re just planning on getting off on their own on the couch which would be massively bogus but at least it’s not the alternative. At least it’s not the sounds of the two of them getting up and heading towards the bedroom that makes him and Ted’s breath catch in their throat at once. At the very least it’s not the way that Evil Bill’s hand sneaks through the crack in the door to show off the fact that he’s still only wearing his t-shirt while Evil Ted’s still completely naked where they lean on either side of the doorway staring at them eagerly.</p><p>Because if it were all that as it most definitely is with the two of them showing obvious interest over the way Ted’s struggling to keep his noises contained, Bill would want to let them in bed with them. It’s the way that they grin over the way a second nudge against his prostate has Ted gasping out a moan which makes him nod to signal they have full permission to.</p><p>Ted pants in his arms as they slowly approach the bed which makes Bill afraid that the other man isn’t interested like he is, but the way he clenches around him over the sight of Evil Bill tugging his shirt off and tossing it away reassures him. The fact that Evil Bill’s silent as he comes to lay down facing Ted makes him hopeful that they won’t be cajoled into anything harder. It’s a strange comfort to feel the weight of his respective mattress dipping slightly over Evil Ted laying behind him before he feels his hand stroking along his arm still holding Ted’s leg up until he reaches his hand to squeeze and bring up to rest against his cheek. After Evil Ted nips at the swell of his palm, he guides Bill’s face towards his before being the one to lift Ted’s leg instead. “You heard him, duder,” he whispers against his lips. “Make love to him.”</p><p>The way Evil Ted kisses him, the taste of it as sweet as his Ted’s but with a hint of something else, is enough to get him to drive back into him with a groan.</p><p>Ted arches against him before Bill feels his double’s knuckles brush against him as he pulls him as far forward as he can to swallow the whine tumbling from his lips. Bill doesn’t make any attempts to go harder or faster than he had been before they came in, but he feels more energized than ever to get Ted off now. He peaks one eye open where he’s still holding Evil Ted close to watch the way Evil Bill brushes Ted’s hair behind his ear before pulling away to smirk at him. “Couldn’t wait to get fucked again, huh?”</p><p>“It’s not like that,” Ted rushes out, back in his hiding place. “We're making-”</p><p>“Call it whatever you want,” Evil Bill interrupts. “Still gets us hot.”</p><p>He wraps his fingers around Ted’s cock before he can reply, curling sideways to watch where they’re joined to take note of Bill’s pace so he can match him. There’s a joyful lilt to the way Ted groans over it while he rolls his hips back and forth between them and Bill feels his heart swell. His cock takes throbbing notice too over the way Evil Ted lets himself take his time dragging his lips away from his before he says, “Listen to him - we can’t just stay outside when he sounds like that.”</p><p>“Yeah, dude,” Evil Bill sneers from where he’s bent down kissing along Ted’s collarbones. “No way you didn’t leave the door open on purpose.”</p><p>“You wanted us to come in. Admit it.”</p><p>Bill knows he didn’t and that it was just the wonderment of Ted that distracted him from noticing the still-open door, but he doesn’t bother answering since he knows the pair will just give him shit for it no matter what. Instead it’s Ted that whines again and breathes out, “We were thinking about it. We wanted to-”</p><p>“Shut up, Ted,” Evil Bill breathes back before licking at the bite he left the night before. “We know all about it and we’re ready when you are.”</p><p>Evil Ted giggles darkly before kissing Bill with his own soft whine. “Maybe this gayer stuff isn’t so bad,” he sighs, moving to kiss at Bill’s neck. “You both look so pretty like this and it makes us crazy.”</p><p>Bill feels like he could bust any minute hearing him talk like that; his Ted has always been chatty, but not in bed, so this devious Ted feels downright sinful to hear once again. “Why are you two so into us?”</p><p>“It feels good,” Evil Ted laughs softly before letting the hand gripping under Ted’s knee drift down to his thigh to press into the bruise he left there. “You guys made the whole world say that bogus line - ‘be excellent to each other’ - so we’re just being excellent to ourselves.”</p><p>“Not what we meant, dude, but - oh, fuck.”</p><p>After Evil Ted pulls out the whimper from Ted he clearly wanted while Evil Bill goes back to kissing the life out of him, Bill can feel Ted’s evil twin trace his index finger around where Ted’s stretched out around him. Ted’s too far gone to reflexively kick at him or something which Bill’s thankful for as Evil Ted brings his hand back further to squeeze at Bill’s inner thigh where he’s got his leg propped up against the bed for leverage before moving to cup his ass. “You want to party so bad? Then let’s party.”</p><p>The way that Bill comes way too quickly with a loud whimper over getting to experience Evil Ted’s fingers against his hole again is incredibly embarrassing, but worth it for the strangled cry Ted lets out over being filled up by it.</p><p>As Evil Ted keeps kissing and nuzzling his neck while he keeps rubbing little circles against him until he’s spent, Bill starts to realize just how beneficial this could all be. He hopes that multiple hookups like this won’t lead to the two of them only being able to get off with their assistance, but there’s something so bizarrely captivating about the fact that laying like this with them means they’re completely wrapped up in each other. Ted gets Bill no matter where he looks and Bill gets Ted over every inch of him and that feels most outstanding, especially once he’s pulling out and hearing Evil Ted encouraging him to, “help him,” before he grabs the hand still resting on his cheek and places it between Ted’s legs. Ted’s so sensitive now and so wet with his cum that it feels wrong to get his fingers back inside him while the other him jerks him off faster, but it can’t be with how Ted leans his head back on his shoulder and kisses under his jaw with a whisper of his name.</p><p>Bill can feel that Evil Ted’s hard and heavy against him, staying quiet while he moves enough to be able to watch his fingers drift in and out of his good counterpart. It’s surreal not to hear him or Evil Bill make any degrading or rude comments, the only noises coming from them being soft, steady pants while they focus on Ted’s inability to hold it together. As if Evil Bill can read his mind, he flicks his wrist on a particularly eager stroke just as Bill curls his fingers inside him to make Ted finally hiss and keen into his orgasm. It’s impossible for Bill to not feel smug when it’s him Ted reaches for to kiss and giggle breathlessly against him once it’s all said and done, seemingly forgetting that the androids were ever there when he turns in his arms to get at him. “I love you,” he whispers against his lips.</p><p>“I love you too, babe,” Bill whispers back, also letting himself forget.</p><p>Yet they can’t deny the very tangible robots on either side of them when they both pull at the backs of their heads to get them to pay attention when Evil Bill sucks Ted’s cum off his fingers before Evil Ted grabs Bill’s used hand to do the same with his. If it weren’t for the fact that they both just blew their loads, Bill probably would’ve gotten hard again at the way they move past them to kiss each other with needy groans once they’re cleaned up. They both watch as Evil Ted climbs over them to straddle his partner and roll his hips against him, laughing against his mouth before pulling away with, “Bill’s tastes better.”</p><p>“Shut up, dude, Ted’s does!”</p><p>“You shut up,” Evil Ted says before another biting kiss. “You’re just trying to say mine tastes better too so I’ll blow you.”</p><p>Evil Bill grins. “Is it working?”</p><p>Evil Ted rolls his eyes before standing up and tugging at his arm to get him to follow. “Come find out.”</p><p>“Most triumphant.” Evil Bill lets himself be pulled up to stand with him, smacking Evil Ted on the ass once he’s on his feet. He turns to Bill who’s still trying to wrap his head around them and raises his eyebrows, saying, “The couch is gonna be a little busy for a while, losers.”</p><p>Bill squints at him. “Can you lay down a blanket or something first?”</p><p>Evil Bill &amp; Ted look at each other for a moment before they both laugh at him. “No way, duder,” Evil Bill answers for them.</p><p>“Ugh. Fine.”</p><p>Ted stays quiet, burying his face against his neck with a sympathetic hum before kissing his pulse and Bill squeezes him tight in response. That just makes the other pair snort at them before Evil Ted leads Evil Bill out of the bedroom, the both of them taking the time to grin at them and call out, “Catch ya later, Bill &amp; Ted,” before Evil Bill slams the door behind them.</p><p>And with that, Bill &amp; Ted find themselves accepting the possibility of a new normal.</p><p>To Bill’s relief, they definitely didn’t need the evil pair to get off - in fact, most of the time they have sex, the two of them aren’t even there. Despite Evil Ted’s words about “gayer stuff,” there’s nothing inherently romantic about the occasions they’re together and none of the quartet have any intention of being a permanent foursome. The idea’s incredibly weird to all of them so the only times they actively hook up is when Evil Bill &amp; Ted get that look in their eyes around them that’s just slightly different from the human pair’s usual tells. Evil Ted doesn’t shyly bite at his thumbnail with a soft flush and Evil Bill doesn’t let his mouth hang open just enough while staring at them, but Bill just knows when it’s their time and there’s actual buildup now instead of the devious duo just springing it on them.</p><p>Not to mention they’ve thankfully stopped being huge dickweeds that just fucked wherever they wanted in the apartment and agreed to go to the bedroom when they wanted to be alone instead. They don’t always keep quiet and they still steal the van when it’s available to them, but at least they’ve finally agreed to bring a blanket with them to keep it clean.</p><p>It’s another relief knowing that they’re at least trying to behave now since Wyld Stallyns actually has a chance to record an album after their last proper adventure. They eventually get that studio space they’ve been looking for with Joanna and Elizabeth being none the wiser as to why the two of them are more excited than usual to lay their vocal and guitar tracks down once they start making use of it. Bill’s able to feel assured that they won’t come home to find their fish dead or their living room covered in jizz or something on top of knowing that they might just get a little extra fun upon returning. As a reward for their good behavior, Ted manages to convince Bill that they should let them fill in for them on a shift at Pretzels ‘N Cheese that lines up with necessary studio time. They end up getting two entire songs done in one day and the joy from it is just enough for Bill to be able to ignore the way a regular tells him off on his next shift for having supposedly told him to “suck my dick, pussy lips,” at a request for extra cheese.</p><p>He also feels too excited to think about why the crotch of his work pants has a huge dried cheese stain on it once he gets them back because on top of all the musical successes, his sex life has been better than ever.</p><p>For one thing, discovering new ways to indulge in Ted’s new interests had been a most excellent adventure in and of itself. Bill’s gotten to do things like press Ted against their bedroom door to fuck him hard and fast against, imitate that image of Evil Bill fucking Evil Ted’s mouth that’s haunted him ever since he saw it, and he’s even let Ted pull him into the back of the van after a particularly frustrating day at work so Bill could rail him against the floor and see if it’s just as great as their doubles say it is. It absolutely is, Bill discovered; they may just have something else to consider about themselves with the way they let out excited little gasps and groans every time it seemed like they might be caught in the middle of the mall’s parking lot. That’s not even covering all the little bites and bruises Bill’s had fun making; his personal favorite at the moment is the bite he left on Ted’s left cheek the last time he ate him out that he kept grabbing once he was inside him.</p><p>And sure, his attempts at intense dirty talk aren’t quite as raunchy as Evil Bill’s are, but it’s okay since Ted usually tells him to shut up and fuck or kiss him when things really get hot anyway.</p><p>Speaking of Evil Bill, they’ve gotten multiple chances to hear it more with the two of them having gotten to have a handful of foursomes in the weeks since that first time. It’s a most fortunate miracle that their neighbors haven’t called in a noise complaint for their apartment with the fun they’ve been having, ranging from Evil Bill daring him to see who can get their respective Ted to come without touching them first before spending the whole night complaining that he lost, both Bills getting to dominate Evil Ted this time while Ted looked way more curious at the sight of himself than Bill anticipated, and the four of them blowing the idea of 69-ing out of the water by positioning themselves so Bill got Evil Ted, Evil Ted got Evil Bill, Evil Bill got Ted, and Ted got his Bill.</p><p>It was the hottest cube in history and was most non-non-non-heinous for all those involved.</p><p>Sometimes Bill has his doubts, though, especially when faced with that promise that he still hasn't let Evil Ted make good on. Last week’s tryst was another competition in which Evil Bill &amp; Ted proposed they test their human counterparts’ endurance and see how long they could drag out their pleasure. With their recent lovemaking, Ted managed to get Bill to edge him a few times with pleasing results, but those were brief. The androids wanted to keep edging them until they begged to come with whoever got their respective human to beg first being the winner and it was most intense. There they lay on each mattress while holding hands as under the covers, Evil Bill took his sweet time blowing Ted and Evil Ted did the same for Bill. Their lips dragged over their cocks painfully slowly and they’d already each had to be kept from coming three times when Ted gasped out and squeezed Bill’s hand tighter, his back arching clear off the bed as he did.</p><p>Bill couldn’t help but move in to kiss him with how gorgeous he looked, whispering, “Are you coming, babe?”</p><p>Ted’s hair went wild with the way he shook his head against the pillow, Bill noticing his sheet-covered legs being lifted higher out of the corner of his eye. “He’s - it feels so good, God, your <em> tongues </em>-”</p><p>He interrupted himself with a whine that turned into a satisfied little laugh as his eyes slipped shut, somehow looking even more impossibly beautiful. Sure enough when Bill looked under the covers, Evil Bill had Ted’s legs high above his head while he ate him out with the same agonizingly slow pace he’d blown him with. Both evil robots laughed against them over how ecstatic Ted sounded, and watching him writhe and try to keep himself steady on the bed was almost enough to make Bill not notice the way Evil Ted gripped under his thighs and slowly started to bring his legs up before-</p><p>“Wait!”</p><p>His legs fell back on the bed as Evil Ted lifted the sheet up to stare up at him, frustrated. “What, dude?”</p><p>Bill knew that he’d get called a fruit or something if he said the real reason why he stopped him; he also knew that Ted’s noises had gotten quieter over his protest and really didn’t want to make this a bigger deal than it needed to be. Instead he just sighed over the tight knot in his stomach dissipating and shook his head with, “Not today, dude.”</p><p>Evil Ted pouted against his inner thigh, lightly grazing his lips over the sensitive skin there. “You sure? You’re gonna make me lose.”</p><p>“Most sure,” he breathed out before wrapping his fingers around himself. “Just stick to this, alright?”</p><p>The pout on Evil Ted’s face got brattier while he snatched Bill’s hand away, but he still sucked his thumb into his mouth once and hummed. “Bogus,” he scoffed lightly. “But fine, if you say so.”</p><p>He didn’t live it down that night when Evil Bill did indeed win by sneaking a finger into Ted along with his tongue and making Ted cry out and beg for him to finish him off. Once he got Bill off by taking him as deep as he could and swallowing, Evil Ted yelled at his partner for cheating before the two of them moved to the foot of the bed to fight it out through bruising kisses and rough thrusts against each other. Bill was left just as exhausted as Ted was from being kept from orgasm for so long, scooping him up and kissing his forehead in response to the way Ted shivered in his arms as he continued to hide the real reason why he denied Evil Ted.</p><p>No matter how alluring and exciting the idea of something of Ted’s being inside him is, the only reason it gets him excited is because he pictures his Ted whenever he thinks of it and he can’t bear letting anybody else get there before he does.</p><p>This is why the next shift in the arrangement they have is so substantial: for the times that Ted needs something rougher and Bill’s not up for it, he’s given Evil Bill his blessing to have his way with Ted on his own. On those evenings, he lets them have the bedroom to themselves while he forces Evil Ted to cook with him, clean out the van, or any other household activity that needs done which usually works. Evil Ted is still a giant asshole like Evil Bill, but he’s a slightly less annoying giant asshole so he at least doesn’t insult him every second while he comes along. If anything, the way he chooses to be annoying is to boast about how bodacious Evil Bill and human Ted must look and sound together at any given moment. It’s the same sort of sexual terrorism that got them in bed with them in the first place on a much smaller scale and while he can’t deny that it’s a pretty great sight to behold, he just wants to think with his brain and not his cock when he’s with one of the robots for longer than five minutes. It’s around the fourth evening that Evil Bill’s getting to absolutely ravish Ted that Bill’s dragging Evil Ted out of the house to help him get groceries after Evil Ted swears he’ll behave while outside of the apartment and Bill finds himself reaching his limit in the produce section.</p><p>He’s just trying to check the dates on this week’s milk selection in the freezer section right nearby when Evil Ted says, “Hey, dweeb, check this out,” before grabbing a cucumber and practically deepthroating it. Once he’s pulled it out of his mouth, he grins and asks, “You think Ted could handle that?”</p><p>Sighing angrily, Bill has to press the half gallon of milk he’s holding against his forehead to make himself cool off enough to avoid getting hard over the thought of his Ted in his place. “I have to buy that now, dick.”</p><p>Evil Ted shrugs. “It’ll be good practice.”</p><p>“Shut up, Evil Ted!”</p><p>“Bill, come on,” Evil Ted replies as he bags up that cucumber and follows Bill into their next aisle. “You’re really gonna act like a huge wet blanket after all the ways we’ve made you-”</p><p>“Shut <em> up </em>,” Bill repeats through gritted teeth as he notices an elderly woman slowly making her way past them with a full cart, waiting until she’s gone to finish. “I’m not being a wet blanket, you’re being a shithead.”</p><p>“That’s how I was made.” Evil Ted sticks his tongue out and wags it at him before leaning in close and saying, “Besides, I just think it’s most unfair that they get to have all the fun while we’re stuck like this. Don’t you?”</p><p>The fact that Evil Ted has <em> that </em>look in his eye like he wants to pick Bill up and carry him to the grody grocery bathroom and fuck him right there intimidates Bill. He has to keep resisting, though, so he lets himself say, “I’m just not into being with you like that, dude, so just relax already. You have your own Bill for that, you don’t need me.”</p><p>Evil Ted frowns. “Who said I wanted to bone <em> you </em> by myself?”</p><p>His tone’s much gentler than Bill’s ever heard from him before, sounding more like his human inspiration, but he still finds his mouth going agape. It’s actually a little touching that Evil Ted’s doing something decent for once and not pushing the desire to top him any further, but that’s overpowered by the absolute brain rot he gets from the idea of still getting to see him top somebody. When that somebody is his Ted of all people, Bill has to grip the handle of their cart to keep himself from looking too stirred by it before he answers, “Oh yeah - you did want that, huh?”</p><p>“Still do.” An evil little grin spreads across Evil Ted’s face as he looks back down at that cucumber and suggestively runs his fingers over it through the plastic while he says, “If he wasn’t gonna be so wiped out when we got back, I’d ask tonight. Guess I can just fuck Evil Bill like you said when you guys go to bed - a hole’s a hole, right?”</p><p>Bill hates how casual Evil Ted is when he turns to inspect the various cans of vegetables further down the aisle.</p><p>After they leave and pick up some takeout for him and Ted on the way back, Bill finds that his boyfriend is indeed curled up in bed in only his briefs and Bill’s Whitesnake shirt and clearly not at all in the mood for what Evil Ted wants. While Evil Bill’s insatiable and immediately ready to be tugged out the door by Evil Ted with their lube in hand to get back in the van, Ted’s content to stay where he is while Bill gets their food ready for them to eat right there in bed. It’s their favorite Chinese place again, something that Bill’s pleased to find Ted grinning and sitting up over once he joins him on their mattresses. There’s no way Evil Bill bothered to do any aftercare besides any standard cleanup so Bill’s as careful as he can be when he leans in to kiss the new mark on Ted’s neck with a soft, “Did he give you a good workout, baby?”</p><p>Bill’s been upgrading “babe” to “baby” after rougher sex like this as some added comfort and Ted still gets flushed and giggly over it like he does now as he nods around his first bite. “It was from behind this time.”</p><p>“Did he eat you out too?”</p><p>Ted ducks his head down with another shy nod. “Yeah, dude.”</p><p>“Excellent,” Bill says before they both air guitar. He kisses the top of Ted’s head when Ted moves to rest it on his shoulder, the two of them pressed side-by-side where they sit and eat. “They had everything we needed, by the way.”</p><p>“Also excellent,” Ted says, leaning up to kiss Bill on the cheek. “Was my most treacherous lookalike any trouble?”</p><p>Bill’s not sure if he should drop the bomb that Evil Ted dropped onto his Ted right this second, so he just squints at the ceiling before shrugging the shoulder not occupied by the other man. “Not more than usual.”</p><p>Ted laughs softly, stirring his noodles around in his takeout box. “At least he didn’t try to bone you in the store or anything, right?”</p><p>The fact that he’s half right makes Bill laugh impulsively, only stopping when Ted pulls back to look at him with a concerned glare. He wants to lie and say that a noodle went down the wrong pipe or something, but he just can’t. “I mean - not exactly.”</p><p>Ted snickers before rolling his eyes. “What, did he want to push you into the soda aisle and make you feel the earth move?”</p><p>The way Ted does a more exaggerated version of his Valley Boy twang to imitate Evil Ted is genuinely adorable, but Bill’s too preoccupied by the images that android conjured in his brain when he brought up what his mouth’s about to vomit out into the air. “Actually he totally would’ve if it was you with him, dude, it’s most egotistical.”</p><p>To his surprise, that’s enough to make Ted drop his chopsticks with a soft gasp.</p><p>Obviously he’s in no state to try to engage in it right then, but it becomes apparent very quickly once Ted encourages him to tell the full story that Bill will definitely be getting to fulfill this suddenly very interesting new fantasy of his. Evil Ted was a total dickweed but he was a very perceptive one which is why Bill now finds himself the very next night sitting on one of the dining chairs they dragged in from the living area to rest against the wall to the right of the bed. While Evil Bill sits next to him chuckling darkly and slowly pulling himself out of his jeans, Bill’s skin feels like it’s on fire at the sight of Evil Ted peeling Ted’s briefs off after having teasingly mouthed at the bulge in them until Ted tugged at his hair to get something more.</p><p>It turns out Evil Ted isn’t in this to dominate his double; he’s in it for the joy of pulling any sort of pretty little gasp and whimper out of him that he can just like Bill always is. Up until now, the android took his time undressing Ted, stopping to touch or kiss each new bit of skin revealed to him under the guise of wanting to see if he reacted to it the same way he did. Bill figures that Evil Ted should know this by now with how many times he’s been witness to Ted getting off, but it’s impossible to complain with how hot it’s been to see that pleased grin of his spread out over the way Ted shivers over that freckle under his ribs being kissed or the way he pushes against his fingertips when he carefully glides them over his spine. He also knows how good both Teds are at giving head even if he and Evil Bill are the only ones they’ve given it to which makes him have to unzip his own jeans and slip his fingers inside to squeeze his cock through his boxers once Evil Ted gets his lips around his Ted’s.</p><p>Bill doesn’t think he sucks at giving head or anything, but he’s glad that now Ted can experience just how much better he is compared to him.</p><p>It sounds most obscene with how enthusiastic Evil Ted is as he bobs his head, even filthier with the way Ted whines low in his throat and lets his double take his hand resting against the sheets to thread their fingers together. Not everyone in the room is too happy, though, Evil Bill pretending to gag and saying, “Don’t be so gay, ET!”</p><p>Evil Ted lifts up with a dripping wet pop as he yells, “Shut up, EB! This isn’t about you.”</p><p>“It is when I’m jerking off to it!”</p><p>When Ted huffs out a sigh and leans back into the pillow with a look of discontent, Evil Ted shakes his head at his partner before bringing Ted’s hand up to kiss his palm. “Don’t be such a dickweed, dude,” he says against it before setting his hand back against the mattress. “We need to be a little nicer to ourselves sometimes.”</p><p>“Gag me,” Evil Bill mumbles even as he’s still slowly stroking himself.</p><p>“It’s true.” Evil Ted carefully presses Ted’s cock against his stomach so he can press slow, firm kisses along the shaft between his words while he says, “If this was Bill, I’d treat him like we always do, but this is <em> me </em> , dude <em> . </em> I want to spoil myself - we deserve it.”</p><p>Ted turns his head to grin at Bill when Evil Ted gets his mouth around him again, stretching out with a hum. “Guess we remembered to be more considerate towards ourselves.”</p><p>Bill can only laugh and nod, waiting to pull out his cock until Evil Ted’s had his fill of sucking Ted off and leans down to grab the lube he sat on the floor. He’s still in his jeans when he comes back up to rest on his knees between a completely bare Ted’s legs before bringing one of them up to hook over his shoulder. “I’m kinda pissed that you’ve definitely done this by yourself before.”</p><p>Ted frowns up at him, squirming at the feeling of an exact replica of his own fingertips gently gliding over his hole. “Why would you be?”</p><p>“It’s no fun that way,” Evil Ted says, mouthing at the side of his knee before grinning against it at the low moan Ted lets out when he slips his index finger inside him. “I don’t get to be the one to show you how good our fingers feel.”</p><p>The sight of Evil Ted being so calmly commanding while he slowly starts to finger Ted with one hand as he plays with his nipples with another has Bill wishing it was him that was getting to figure that out. He knows his boyfriend would carry himself differently - knows that he would probably check on him frequently, shower him with kisses, or any other action that would make him feel loved and safe and it makes him want so badly.</p><p>Evil Bill, of course, has to try and fuck it up after a few salacious minutes as he laughs and says, “But this means that you can totally make him come harder than his little pussweed boyfriend.”</p><p>“Dude,” Bill snaps, trying his best not to look at him since he’s still beating it and doesn’t need to see his snarky face right now. “Does everything really need to be a competition? It’s most odious.”</p><p>“He’s right, dude,” Evil Ted says dreamily, staring down at the way Ted sighs and licks his lips over him adding a second finger. “We keep getting them all fucked out and wrecked - we’re totally evil and all, but I thought maybe he should have just one little thank you.”</p><p>Bill &amp; Ted both gasp together over the way Evil Ted curls his fingers immediately, making Ted rock into his hand with a quivering little shake. “There’s no way you were gonna do it,” Evil Ted continues as he holds his double’s hips at bay. “So I have to - even if I still think Bill’s a total wet blanket for not wanting me to fuck him too.”</p><p>“Like I’d want to see that anyway,” Evil Bill scoffs, spreading his legs a little wider with a soft groan.</p><p>“Maybe I wasn’t gonna invite you.” Evil Ted laughs while focusing on spreading Ted open and letting himself stroke over his prostate on every few passes to pull more little whines and hums from him. “You could just stay outside or something while we lay Bill out and show him a good time. Spitroasting is getting most typical, so we can just take turns with him instead. I don’t know, dude - maybe we can just fuck him at the same time and really fill him up.”</p><p>That makes Ted finally stir from the haze he’s been in, raising up to rest on his elbows with a confused grunt. “Dude, we’d hurt him!”</p><p>“Not with enough of this,” Evil Ted says as he pauses to get a third finger ready and inside him.</p><p>The stretch makes Ted moan, Bill holding in one of his own knowing that he needs the extra finger this time since Ted’s cock is thicker than his even while being around the same length, but his boyfriend doesn’t relent as he shudders, “I wouldn’t do that to him. I’d want to treat him like - <em> hngh </em> - I’d treat him like a prince, dude. Like he deserves.”</p><p>The combination of that undying sweetness mixed with Ted letting himself be equally as confident as his double makes Bill have to squeeze the base of his cock so he doesn’t lose it right there. He’s thankful that Evil Bill’s too caught up in telling his partner to hurry up and get on with it and Ted’s facing away from him, only Evil Ted noticing long enough to give him a knowing grin as he withdraws his fingers and moves to sit facing the opposite wall instead. As Ted catches his breath, his robot double lays across the bed before tugging his jeans and briefs down to his knees and beckoning Ted over while he starts to lube himself up. “Take a seat, dude.”</p><p>“Holy shit, you gotta stop being so boring,” Evil Bill groans.</p><p>“And you gotta stop being so ungrateful,” Evil Ted responds before flipping him off and sticking his tongue out at him.</p><p>Ted seems hesitant as he tentatively crawls over and straddles his thighs, facing both Bills. “Is this really all you had in mind?”</p><p>“Yeah, dude,” Evil Ted says, running the tip of his cock along Ted’s to entice him. “I wasn’t messing with you earlier. I’m just gonna lay back and let you do whatever. Have fun.”</p><p>He gestures for Ted to take his length so he can get started, but Ted laughs nervously and shakes his head. “You’re most definitely playing a trick on me. It’s gonna shoot fire or something out at me, isn’t it?”</p><p>Evil Ted scoffs. “Uh no? Because that would kill you? I told you we’re not here to do that.”</p><p>“Then what’s the catch?”</p><p>“There’s no catch,” Evil Ted says plainly with a small shrug. “We both get to come and you get to ride my dick any way you want. Pinky swear.”</p><p>When he shows it off, Evil Ted’s pinky spins wildly on whatever robot hinges he’s made of, making Ted giggle in a way vindictive of how he and Bill have let themselves admit that all the robot stuff they can do is kinda awesome. Bill lets himself join in while Evil Bill rolls his eyes, of course, but the way Evil Ted sits up just enough to let Ted lean in for a few kisses while he explains how slow, fast or hard he can go makes him have to slow down his strokes. He curses Evil Bill for probably having super robot stamina because as it stands, he’s still struggling. The only reason Evil Ted is being some sort of tender is because he’s getting ready to literally fuck himself, but Bill still yearns at the sound of an exact replica of his boyfriend’s voice sighing out, “I just want to watch you have a most excellent time getting yourself off. You’re gonna look spectacularly hot riding me, dude.”</p><p>As if the way Bill pretends Ted’s telling him that isn’t enough to leave him dripping, the way Ted’s jaw drops with a sharp moan once he takes hold of his double’s cock and slowly slides onto it definitely is.</p><p>Once he’s fully sheathed, Ted takes his time carefully grinding against Evil Ted and getting used to the feeling of something girthier than he’s used to inside him. His head lolls back while he tries to steady his breathing, his evil twin running his palms over his thighs to soothe him while Evil Bill laughs out loud next to Bill. “I knew his wang would be ten times better.”</p><p>Bill smirks down at his own before looking at Evil Bill’s than back up to his face. “Guess that means yours sucks too.”</p><p>It takes Evil Bill a few seconds to process what he’s been called out on, but he scowls once he does. “Eat me, Bill.”</p><p>“No thanks."</p><p>Any other banter they would’ve had is cut off by the way Ted whimpers once he’s ready to rest his palms on Evil Ted’s chest for leverage and lift himself up just enough to start moving against him. Both Bills shut right up and pay attention to the way Ted bites his lip in concentration as he establishes a slow, relaxed rhythm, sighing in ecstasy once he settles into it. Bill’s grip tightens on his cock over just how stunning his boyfriend looks taking something thicker so well as he slowly leans back to rest his palms against Evil Ted’s stomach instead. As he moves, he gradually gets a soft smile on his face, giggling every so often into his moans just like he does when he and Bill are at their most tender during sex. He’s absolutely beautiful and Bill has to hear more of him which is why he licks his lips and asks, “How does it feel, babe?”</p><p>“Amazing, dude,” Ted pants, gasping out at the way Evil Ted brings his hands around to squeeze his ass once before running them up his sides to reach his chest. “Nothing’s better than you, but it’s like I feel so <em> full </em>. ”</p><p>The urge Bill has to know what being full of Ted’s like too makes it easy for him to ignore Evil Bill pretending that statement means his dick is less impressive after all. It’s a lot harder, however, to ignore the way Evil Ted starts framing and squeezing Ted’s tits, twisting his nipples between his fingers to make him whine because Bill should’ve known that he wouldn’t have been able to help himself. He has to wonder if Ted would decide to tease him like this, make him feel like putty under his hands - not in the more dominant way they’ve been doing lately, but just in a way to make him absolutely melt and give himself over to him. He twitches in his grip over the way Evil Ted smirks when Ted finally laughs out loud and pulls his hands away with a breathy, “Stop, dude, you were supposed to just lay there!”</p><p>“Oops,” Evil Ted drawls out, laying back down and placing his arms at his sides. “Can’t help it.”</p><p>Ted huffs as he starts bouncing on his cock in earnest. “Maybe I'll just have to start messing with you too.”</p><p>Evil Ted laughs as he lets his head fall back with a low whine over the new pace, looking over the edge of the bed to watch both Bills getting deep into their strokes. “You don’t have the sac, dude.”</p><p>“I don’t?” Ted reaches up and pinches Evil Ted’s nipples this time between his thumbs and forefingers, making him grunt and buck up into him. The way he lightly rubs and flicks at them makes Bill reach under his shirt and twist at one of his, biting his lips to keep in the whine that escapes his throat. Even while Evil Ted grins at the sight, a thankfully unaware Ted beams at his lookalike and says, “It’s no fun when it’s you, is it?”</p><p>“Not when that’s all you got, dude.”</p><p>“Okay, then,” Ted says, leaning back to grip his double’s thighs for leverage. “I’ll just worry about myself.”</p><p>Bill and Evil Ted both know that the way Ted tilts his hips just slightly enough against him will let him hit his prostate, making him shiver and let out a most satisfied moan as he rolls them into it. It’s incredible how quickly Ted gets lost in it, waiting until he can stay like that on his own before bringing his hands up to tangle in his hair, and the way he brings his palms down to drift over his torso makes Bill have to yank his shirt off with how much he burns up over it. He no longer has a problem showing off the way he keeps playing with his tits while his fist moves in time with Ted’s lifts since his groin feels some sort of pull and tug at the sight before him. Bill’s made Ted feel like this before and it’s never gonna stop being so incredible to watch his boyfriend fuck himself silly, mindful of his smooth, soft stomach gently clenching and unclenching while he moves, but it’s the way that he wants to be the one getting so wrecked that’s driving him crazy. Evil Ted’s still watching him get off to them even as he’s squeezing at Ted’s thighs, groaning out encouragements like, “There you go,” and, “Just like that,” that sound like they’re for Ted, but Bill knows they aren’t - not with the way his eyes are following the quick glide of his fist as he pants underneath the loud snapping of Ted’s hips.</p><p>And especially not when Evil Ted chuckles darkly and stutters out, “Show your little boyfriend what he’s missing."</p><p>Bill only feels a little pathetic for how he’s the first one to bust over it, the whine coming out of him sounding way too loud in his ears as he squeezes his eyes shut and roughly bucks up into his fist. There’s still cum running down his fingers when he hears Ted’s breathing get ragged, making himself force his eyes open so he can watch the way Ted scrambles to grab his cock so he can really milk out the way that he comes all over Evil Ted’s torso. He whimpers when Evil Ted grabs his hips suddenly to bring himself there too, jostling him with the motion and making him hold onto his wrists to keep himself steady, but what matters to Bill is the way Evil Ted makes sure to narrow his eyes at him while he does. The sound he makes when he releases inside Ted as he gasps out at the rush of feeling is different this time, a confident, pleased groan with just a hint of laughter to it and it makes Bill keep stroking himself even as he gets overstimulated until he knows he’s done with how goddamn handsome he looks doing it.</p><p>It’s soothing to Bill when the only sounds in the room are their breathing and the soft, wet slide of Ted lifting himself up and away, Evil Ted running his thumbs over his hip bones until he’s all the way off. It’s most unfortunate once Ted lays next to his double with a sated sigh that Evil Bill, still desperately pumping his fist over his cock, look between the three of them and hisses out, “You’re all so fucking lame.”</p><p>Evil Ted snickers, pushing himself up to sit and face Evil Bill and say, “Wait a sec, I’ll help you out.”</p><p>The way he grabs his head and yanks it off his shoulders would be absolutely horrific in any other circumstance, especially so soon after a most fantastic orgasm, but Bill’s life has been wild enough lately that he just accepts it when it gets thrown to Evil Bill with its mouth open and ready for him to fuck into where he sits.</p><p>Bill rolls his eyes at the sight as he stands to get the rest of his clothes off and head to the bathroom so he can clean himself off and get a wet washcloth so Ted can get clean too. It doesn’t take too long while he’s in the bathroom getting it nice and warm for him to hear Evil Bill groaning out for his partner to, “Take all of it, you fucking slut,” and he feels immense relief that he won’t have to deal with him complaining anymore. He guesses Evil Ted was right that the other android just wouldn’t have been up to a more tender task as he heads back into the bedroom only to find Evil Ted putting his head back on and moving in to use his tongue to clean up between Ted's legs instead.</p><p>He flips off Evil Bill when he laughs at his misfortunate before sitting next to Ted to watch the way he shudders over Evil Ted making sure to get every drop. Bending down to kiss Ted’s forehead, Bill passes it off to Evil Ted who makes use of it instead once his Ted’s clean, wanting to be disgusted with the way he just throws it to the floor afterward. Yet the way the android’s immediately wrapping around Ted’s middle and nibbling along his jaw while he whispers about how amazing he looked makes him forget all about it. The way Evil Ted smirks up at him while he says, “Nothing better than a good dicking down, dude,” is enough to make Bill’s brain forget any sort of thought except one.</p><p>He has got to get Ted inside of him as soon as possible.</p><p> </p><p>__________________________________________</p><p> </p><p>It’s been an hour since they’ve all decided to sleep for the night and Ted’s still lying awake and fidgeting.</p><p>It’s not because of how sore he’s feeling; it’s a most excellent type of comforting sore, after all, since it’s the sort that follows whenever he’s had an amazing night with Bill or a somehow non-bogus night with Evil Bill &amp; Ted joining them. It’s also not the way Bill’s spooned around him and asleep with his palm resting over his heart, something that makes him feel protected even as he struggles to join him in slumber. What it really is, Ted thinks as he focuses on the soft electric white noise coming from the robots in sleep mode next to them for comfort is that he can’t stop thinking about what he can be capable of if he really puts his mind to it.</p><p>He knows that tonight was essentially a very elaborate masturbation session that Bill got to watch, something he’s done for him once or twice on a much smaller scale. Obviously getting to use his robotic clone as a sentient and wily sex doll to get off is totally different from the times he’s jerked off or fingered himself for Bill while the other man whispered gentle encouragements in his ear, but he’s trying not to let that get to his head beyond letting himself get past the shame he feels at the thought of buying some sort of sex toy to use for him. Yet it’s nagging at him how much he enjoyed his own hands tracing every inch of him and tugging at him, Evil Ted having started to develop little calluses to match his and giving those touches a little bite. Ted shouldn’t be focused on the feel of his own tongue tracing around his nipples to get them peaked enough to be sucked between his own lips and he shouldn’t lingering on the way the bush he sports right above his cock was ever so lightly tugged at by his own teeth before his own mouth descended onto it.</p><p>But most importantly he should absolutely, positively, most undeniably not think about how he knows that it all means that he could be able to make Bill feel that good in a more demanding role since as far as he knows, Bill wants nothing to do with it.</p><p>Because yeah, they talked about how they might switch things up months ago, but it’s never come up again and especially hasn’t after their evil robot selves showed up. Ted let himself forget about it since he probably just got distracted with worrying about the pair’s temperament on top of getting the album off the ground <em> and </em> on top of all the other activities they’ve been up to, but now that he knows what it looks and feels like, he’s remembered a lot harder than he wants to. He would never under any circumstances try to suggest something he knows for certain that Bill doesn’t want, the only reason any of this ever happened in the first place being because Bill was open and ready to try it. Ted never wants him to feel like he’s being pressured or made to do anything and they’re so in sync with each other that he can just feel that there’s no need to address it. He also, however, knows every single sort of sound that Bill can make during sex and he’s never sounded as needy as he did when he came earlier and he just wants more of it.</p><p>And wow does it majorly suck when just as he thinks he’s starting to calm himself down, he hears a metal whirring that’s followed by Evil Ted spinning his head completely around where he lays with his back towards him in Evil Bill’s arms to smile wide at him and say, “I knew you were still awake.”</p><p>Ted has to cover his mouth to hide in the frightened yelp that creeps up from his throat, furrowing his brow and glaring at him once he’s quiet. “Dude, what the hell?!”</p><p>He hisses it in an angry whisper, but Evil Ted’s not content to keep his voice level. “My sleep pattern glitched out so you’re stuck with me.”</p><p>“So keep your voice down,” he whispers back, nodding towards Bill as best he can before pointing at his head. “And don’t do that, that’s weird.”</p><p>“Ugh,” Evil Ted sounds out before spinning his head back into place with a click and curling out of Evil Bill’s grip. “You guys gotta relax and let us use our most stellar abilities more.”</p><p>“Shut up.” Ted frowns at the casual way Evil Ted moves Evil Bill’s body out of the way so he can lay on his side facing him and asks, “Aren’t you gonna screw his - pattern or whatever - up too?”</p><p>“No way.” Evil Ted gleefully smacks his hand against his partner’s stomach, a metal clang ringing out and making him laugh when Ted shushes him over it. “He’s out until morning, see?”</p><p>He’s relieved when Evil Ted’s voice does get softer, but tenses when he feels Bill move against him with a whining little groan. Ted thinks that soft, sleepy noise is one of the cutest things he’s ever heard and it soothes him as all Bill does is bury his face deeper in the crook of his neck and hide there in his sleep. Resisting the urge to pet through his curls, he looks over Evil Ted in confusion over how he looks like he’s waiting on something. “So what do you want?”</p><p>“I think I should be asking that, dude,” his double responds before looking down at where Ted’s been ignoring his half-chubby this whole time. “You really want me again already?”</p><p>Ted scoffs before bunching up the sheets at his waist to try to conceal it more. “Definitely not. Sometimes I just get like that when me and Bill cuddle up all naked like this, okay?”</p><p>“That’s bullshit.”</p><p>“It’s most definitely not bullshit,” he hisses, not at all sounding convincing. “And it’s definitely not for you.”</p><p>“You can be honest with me, Ted,” Evil Ted says with a smirk that’s an attempt to be charming. “We’re the same dude, dude.”</p><p>The way he so thoroughly gave it to him earlier made Ted forget just how unbearably annoying his evil twin is, now wondering if this is how people see him. “Will you just leave me alone?”</p><p>“Not until you fall asleep which you’re not gonna do until you admit you want me to rail you.”</p><p>“It’s not you I want to rail, okay, so just go away!”</p><p>Evil Ted’s eyes go wide then, downright delighted as he looks past him at Bill before looking back at his human counterpart and grinning impossibly wider. “Can I watch?”</p><p>Ted shakes his head as best as he can’t without disturbing Bill, quick and panicked as he thinks about the way that the two robots will most definitely goof on him for the entire session if they’re in on it. It shouldn’t even have to be said either how this first time making love to Bill should be just for them, slow and sweet without any interruptions, so it should be obvious and not necessary for him to say, “You’re not invited, dick,” but he does anyway.</p><p>“It’s hot when you call us names, y’know,” Evil Ted replies with a wink.</p><p>“It doesn’t even matter,” Ted says, ignoring his bedroom eyes and sighing into the pillow. “If he doesn’t want you to do it, why would he want me to?”</p><p>“Because you’re his huge homo boyfriend who he’d do something stupid like die for. Duh.”</p><p>Thinking about the fact that Bill’s proven that multiple times to him is too heavy on his heart for a conversation like this, having to swallow down the lump threatening to form in his throat. “Maybe that’s true, but like - I don’t know, dude,” he says before rolling his eyes and laughing against the pillowcase. “Why am I even talking to you about this? You don’t care.”</p><p>Evil Ted laughs back. “You’re right, I don’t,” he says, shrugging. “But if you really missed the way that I made him nearly blow his wad by playing with his ass the first time we all fucked, you’re an even bigger idiot than everybody thinks we are.”</p><p>In Ted’s defense, he was a little busy getting his own played with at the time, but on second thought he does remember the way Bill seemed to twitch and writhe right as he was ready. He really thought whatever Evil Bill said he was being distracted by was his partner’s words and not that, so now the gears start turning in his head. “And he liked it?”</p><p>Evil Ted looks downright smug as he nods. “Made him actually blow doing it while EB had his hands full with you and tonight he looked like he was most envious of you. We’re really that hot, dude.”</p><p>Ted shakes his head again, rolling his eyes at the robot’s ego even as his half-chub stays where it is at the prospect that this is real and possible. “I guess I gotta bring it up again.”</p><p>“I can tell him for you if you’re gonna keep being a pussy about it.”</p><p>“Shut up, Evil Ted,” he sighs out, knowing his reasons for keeping quiet aren’t out of cowardice. “I just hope I can make him bust like that. However he pictures it, y’know?”</p><p>Evil Ted raises his eyebrows at him. “There’s a way you can do that.”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>“It’s most obvious,” Evil Ted says before turning on his stomach and raising up on his knees to get in a perfect mounting position. “Give me a test drive, dude!”</p><p>He wiggles his hips back and forth for emphasis which makes Ted balk at him and hiss out, “Bogus, dude, I’m not gonna do that!”</p><p>“Aww come on.” Evil Ted gets back on his side and looks him over as he says, “It’s not like you’re cheating on Bill or whatever, you’re just like - using the most outstandingly sexy fleshlight in San Dimas that feels just like you. We’re so tight and warm, dude, you won’t believe it.”</p><p>His own voice bragging about how he feels inside is confusing the hell out of his groin, but he does consider it. If he tried practicing on Evil Bill, he would just insult him the entire time; on the other hand, if he goes in not knowing what to do for Bill, he could ruin what appears to be his newest ultimate fantasy. He can’t do that to the man he knows he gets to have a most excellent honeymoon with years from now, so Ted huffs before looking back at Bill’s soft curls brushing his skin before he turns back to Evil Ted and says, “I’ll think about it.”</p><p>“Most triumphant,” Evil Ted exclaims before air-guitaring in a way Ted refuses to join in on out of spite. “We can do it tomorrow, dude. Your Bill’s gotta work anyway and EB can find something to do here while you figure out how to totally service him.”</p><p>“Shouldn’t you fix your sleep stuff?”</p><p>“I’ll do it later once you do me.”</p><p>He guesses that makes sense, but it still feels too soon so Ted moves back to hide in his pillow. “Not yet, dude.”</p><p>He feels Evil Ted guide his face back up before he watches him lean in to teasingly lick at his lips. “But you will?”</p><p>“I said not yet,” Ted breathes against him.</p><p>A proper kiss this time. “You will?”</p><p>Evil Ted sounds more excited at the prospect which makes Ted want to hit him away, but he knows now just what a good kisser he is so he can’t. “Did De Nomolos mean to make you this annoying?”</p><p>“You will,” Evil Ted declares with a devious little laugh before he lets himself slip his tongue into his lookalike’s mouth with his next kiss.</p><p>He can’t deny how kissing himself still feels so tantalizingly sinful, especially when he’s wrapped up in his boyfriend’s arms, but he still laughs exasperatedly against him with, “Dude, come on, give me at least one day off.”</p><p>“You will,” Evil Ted asserts one last time as he bites his bottom lip with a greedy groan and tugs then before another deeper kiss, making Ted gasp out and nearly take his half-chub to a full one as he feels him drift his fingers along his hip bones. It’s only when Bill snuffles in his sleep and moves his arm to hug around his waist that Evil Ted pulls away and proudly leans back into the sheets, knowing full well what Ted’s response will be.</p><p>“Okay, dude. We’ll do it tomorrow.”</p><p>Thankfully for him, Evil Ted’s sleep mode restarts soon after when he's in the middle of gushing about how proud he was of Ted of finally manning up already which he's relieved by seeing as it was most confusing for his psyche. He doesn’t need this bogus, fake version of himself to boost his confidence, especially when the only thing he’s right about is how desperate he is to be with Bill in this new way. All he needs him to do once morning arrives is not be weird about the whole thing and tip either Bill off as to what’s coming and everything will be okay.</p><p>He should be so lucky, of course, but he's keeping his hopes up.</p><p>It’s easy to ignore how antsy Evil Bill seems when his Bill’s doing just fine, too, seeming as normal as usual in his now-clean uniform and hugging around Ted where he cooks breakfast for himself at the stove. Bill’s already basically inhaled a bowl of cereal while Ted was in the shower and he really shouldn’t be spending time with him like this unless he wants to be late, but Ted knows he can’t help it. They both intend to give their two-week notices to their boss soon with how well their recording sessions have been going and Bill’s absolutely giddy about it. “We don’t have to eat or smell anything cheesy or greasy ever again, babe,” he laughs out against the back of his neck before pressing a kiss there.</p><p>Ted frowns down at the eggs he’s scrambling. “But then we'll deprive ourselves of all the most unrivaled pizza San Dimas has to offer.”</p><p>Bill stills behind him. “Oh man, you’re right. Heinous.”</p><p>Ted laughs at how devastated he sounds at the prospect before reaching down to run his fingers along Bill’s forearms. “You really think we’ll be okay?”</p><p>“I know we will.” Bill moves to press his face into his shoulder and breathe him in, adding, “The band’s our real job, Ted. Way more than that, even, but we’re getting way more money from that 7 inch LP they made for our song than we have the whole time we’ve worked at Pretzels ‘N Cheese. This is working out just like Rufus said it would and we gotta go for it now.”</p><p>That makes Ted lean to rest his cheek against his temple, remembering how incredible it felt to hold that record for the first time knowing it was something they made even if it was just a professional recording of their Battle Of The Bands performance. They didn’t rush into their musical careers immediately after that night, wanting to stay some sort of humble, but now it’s all starting to feel so real and Ted can practically taste their stardom. “If you believe in us, then I do too.”</p><p>“We cheated death, dude,” Bill says before kissing his shoulder. “We can definitely hit platinum.”</p><p>“Yeah, dude,” Ted says, giggling softly when Bill’s lips start trailing up his neck. “We can get a way nicer apartment after that.”</p><p>“Or a house.”</p><p>Ted smiles down at his ring finger, the thought of him and Bill being actual adults with an actual home they can make their own enough to distract him from the way he can hear Evil Bill angrily saying, “Why not, dude, come on,” to Evil Ted in the other room. “I think I’d like that.”</p><p>“Me too,” Bill says, nudging at his cheek so they can kiss properly. “Jo and Liz can stay with us if they want.”</p><p>“And we can bring our fish!”</p><p>“Maybe even get a dog!”</p><p>“Excellent, dude,” Ted says, the two of them getting way too excited as they speak from the prospect. “We can name him Rufus and he can be our guard dog that protects the house when we’re recording and-”</p><p>This time when one of their doubles makes a noise, it’s enough to pull their attention away as Evil Ted yells, “You’re gonna be late, dork!”</p><p>Bill snorts. “Since when did you care about me being late for work?”</p><p>“When you fruits keep running your mouths,” Evil Bill says matter-of-factly. “Your little girlfriends get their own house, by the way.”</p><p>“They actually have kids for you, dude,” Evil Ted adds. “Who wants to do something stupid like that?”</p><p>Ted doesn’t say how he’s thought about starting a family with Bill ever since he realized he was in love with him. The way Bill squeezes tighter around him lets him know that the feeling just might be mutual.</p><p>“Shut up, dudes,” Bill says, making Ted let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as he lets go and leans in for another kiss. “I should go, though. Love you.”</p><p>“Love you,” Ted parrots before turning his attention back to the stove, grinning to himself when he hears Bill wrestling his visor out of Evil Bill's hands before heading out the door. He’s relieved that their doubles had nothing to say about the way that they were left out of their future plans. There’s no way this could go on for the rest of their lives and he hopes everyone understands that. In fact, it’s a relief when the two of them leave him alone once his sausage, eggs, and toast are ready to eat, instead talking amongst themselves while they channel-surf like they usually do every morning. Evil Bill may occasionally stare at him during his breakfast, sneering at him when he notices, but that’s pretty much what he always does anyway so he doesn’t get too worried.</p><p>It’s when he decides to pull out his guitar and see if he can pluck out a new melody for the album a few hours later when he realizes that the android is definitely looking at him like that because he knows what he’s meant to be doing today.</p><p>Evil Ted hasn’t said anything yet, but he’s been suspiciously quiet around him and sneaks away to the bedroom as Evil Bill comes to sit on the couch next to his partner’s human counterpart. “So you’re really not gonna let me watch?”</p><p>Ted has to retune his guitar with how hard he picks one of his strings from the way he jumps. “Huh?”</p><p>“It’s not fair, duder,” Evil Bill says, his arms crossed as he leans into the couch. “I even told ET that I wouldn’t snitch to Bill so you guys don’t like, break up, or whatever - like you homos would ever do that, anyway.”</p><p>“Were you really gonna snitch?”</p><p>“Uh yeah, it’d be most hilarious!”</p><p>That’s proof enough that Ted was right not to practice on the robot that actually looked and felt like Bill. “Go bother your Ted, dude, I’m busy,” he says as he starts playing a chipper melody in E major that came to him in a dream he had a couple days ago.</p><p>“Not for long,” Evil Bill teases, that nasty laugh he has spilling out as he walks away into the kitchen to poke at their fish bowl and bother little Brian and Ritchie.</p><p>Ted manages to drown him out with his guitar and write out half of the notes he’d made for a whole song in his notebook when he hears the bedroom door open. Evil Bill lets out a soft, “Whoa,” where he’s still standing in the kitchen before grinning at Ted. “I think that’s your cue, dude.”</p><p>There’s a flutter of nerves in his stomach once he realizes what he means, clutching the neck of his guitar nervously. “Uh,” he sounds dumbly before looking forward towards the bedroom. “Hold on!”</p><p>“Lucky fuck,” Evil Bill mumbles, leaning against the fridge with an obvious bulge forming in his jeans. “Have fun. Don’t pussy out either, alright?”</p><p>“Shut up.” Ted lifts his guitar up and off before delicately laying it across the couch and getting up to see whatever’s got him excited, pointing at Evil Bill as he passes him with, “Don’t mess with my guitar, okay?”</p><p>“I guess I won’t,” Evil Bill sighs dramatically.</p><p>Ted’s steps are slow as he approaches the bedroom, not knowing what to expect or what he should do. He briefly considers stripping on the way, but that would just encourage Evil Bill to catcall him so he keeps his clothes on even as he impulsively starts biting at his thumbnail the closer he gets. Narrowly avoiding tripping over a couple soda cans laying on the ground, Ted rests his hand on the cushioned seat next to the door to steady himself as he asks, “Can I come in?”</p><p>“What do you think?”</p><p>Evil Ted’s voice has that soft, sultry quality it usually has during their episodes which makes Ted go ahead and step in the doorway, nearly falling into the room once he sees him.</p><p>His long legs resting on their sides where they stretch out against the bed, Evil Ted smirks where he lays sat up against the pillows in one of Bill’s crop tops and a pair of Bill’s boxers that are too small for his much taller frame. The crop top, which stops halfway down his ribcage is one of Ted’s favorites on Bill: it used to be a proper Skid Row t-shirt from their Slave To The Grind tour that Bill converted after getting a huge glob of paint on it when they decorated their apartment. The boxers are black to match that show off a ton of leg and a telltale sign that Evil Ted’s been looking forward to this the higher Ted’s gaze goes. His double doesn’t speak until their eyes meet, smirking and flipping his bangs out of his eyes once he does. “Like what you see, duder?”</p><p>Ted most definitely does but it’s probably not for the reasons that his counterpart wants. Obviously he’s seen Bill in various states of undress even before they let their romantic love blossom, but the thought of him in this garb with his lean thighs that he loves to press his face into and his surprisingly chiseled stomach with that cute little freckle just below his navel that Bill has to tug on his hair over to get him to stop tracing with his tongue is what’s driving him wild. His mouth’s getting dry and his shorts are getting tighter while he tries to project Bill’s image onto himself and his hair flies to and fro when he nods and says, “Definitely, dude.”</p><p>“Most triumphant,” Evil Ted says before raising his topmost leg to spread them against the bed. “Thought it would make it easier for you to get it up this way. Looks like it’s working.”</p><p>“Uh, y-yeah.” He reaches back to close the door behind him, failing to find the doorknob a few times before finally getting it shut. Ted feels incredibly blindsided, but he knows he has to do this, has to get on that bed and keep projecting onto him like he so obviously wants. “So do we just…?”</p><p>Evil Ted rolls his eyes at the way he points back and forth between them instead of finishing the question. “Come on, dude, it’s like you’ve never had sex before,” he says, obviously trying not to sound annoyed. “You hop up here, get our clothes off, and do whatever you want to me instead of that total loser.”</p><p>Ted’s fist clenches at his side. “Bill’s not a loser.”</p><p>“I meant EB, dweeb,” Evil Ted laughs out, tugging at his waistband enough to show off more of his hips and just a peak of his bush. “He’s being a huge dick about this, so I want us to get as loud as we can, okay?”</p><p>Ted gulps, wishing it was a patch of sweet, blonde curls he was looking at. The sort of activity his double was getting at was plenty of fun with Bill, but was absolutely not what he was aiming for right now and he wonders just why Evil Ted’s here.</p><p>“Yeah, okay,” he says, nodding quickly and heading to the bed so he can carefully crawl between his legs. He sits on his knees once he’s there so he can rest his palms against his sides, squeezing lightly when Evil Ted hums softly at the feeling. It still messes with Ted’s head after weeks of getting to touch them how warm and lifelike Evil Bill &amp; Ted feel under his fingertips. Deep down, he knows the warmth comes from whatever gears and wires that are hiding under their skin to keep them running, skin that they can easily rip open when they want to be particularly nasty, but all Ted really wants from it now is a much different sort of normalcy from the feeling. He never realized just how surreal it is to feel goosebumps forming on synthetics like this until Evil Ted tilts his head and takes his hands, pushing them under his crop top and encouraging him to squeeze harder. “Don’t make him wait, dude, come on.”</p><p>He nods before leaning down to kiss his evil twin, hoping that shutting his eyes and basking in the feeling of his mouth will take away from the fact that their chests are a little thicker than Bill’s. As he runs his palms over him a few times before cupping his face instead, Ted feels stupid for not realizing sooner how impossible this is gonna be. There’s no perfectly outlined cheekbones for him to pet him thumbs over and no chiseled jawline for him to lean down and nose along, a part of him already wishing he could take this back. He jerks forward at the way Evil Ted tugs at his bottom lip impatiently, making him gasp out, “Whoa, dude!”</p><p>“Don’t spaz out,” Evil Ted replies before running his tongue over it. “I’m just making sure you’re ready for whatever Bill might throw your way.”</p><p>“He wouldn’t do that, though.”</p><p>“With how long he’s been jonesing for your dick inside him?” Evil Ted laughs before bringing his hands up to tug at his shirt, grinning when Ted lets him pull it off as he says, “He’s gonna rip your clothes off if you’re not careful.”</p><p>Ted can’t reply with how his double tugs him down to lay against him as they kiss, making him do his best to straddle his thigh and keep himself hard. Evil Ted’s hands are everywhere which is helping, tracing his stomach, his flank, and anywhere else he can get at, his palms getting warmer as he goes. The ever-growing heat makes him pull back once the feeling of his fingers along his ribs makes him sweat, frowning down at him with, “Are you doing that?”</p><p>Evil Ted wiggles his fingers at him as he raises his hands to show off the way his palms are glowing red under the skin. “Isn’t it rad? I can get them as hot as I want to.”</p><p>To demonstrate, he claps them together and furrows his brow until smoke starts floating out of his palms, only pulling them away when Ted starts to hear a low sizzle and balks over it. “Don’t worry, dude,” his lookalike says before shaking them out. “I won’t burn you - unless you ask for it.”</p><p>“I don’t think so, dude.”</p><p>“Yeah, I figured,” Evil Ted laughs, waiting until his hands are back to normal to rest them on Ted’s neck. “You and Bill are way too goody-goody for that.”</p><p>Ted frowns again. “Wait, people actually do that?”</p><p>Evil Ted tuts before pulling him down to kiss again, hissing, “Don’t get distracted,” against him before hooking the leg Ted isn’t trying to keep himself aroused with over his waist. “You don’t want Bill to get bored, do you?”</p><p>The fear that he would bore Bill is a constant fear of Ted’s and not just in bed. He hasn’t done it yet, the two of them being two halves of the same whole and all, but ever since they met, he always wanted to be sure he was doing enough to keep Bill near him. It started with silly things like their matching cartoon or music tastes when they were much smaller which graduated to bigger, more personal things like their mothers leaving their lives for much different reasons once puberty hit, and now that they’re adults, he hinges on Wyld Stallyns and the love for Bill he kept inside himself for the over half a decade they’d known each other. Even if their sexual relationship has been stellar, he remembers being so, so scared that his body, his <em> devotion, </em>wouldn't be enough for Bill those first times they went for it. Yet all Bill wanted was him no matter how their music may go over, no matter how stupid his interests might be, and certainly no matter how imperfect he might be. It turned out that Bill was just as nervous as he is now, but still found his way and made the both of them feel incredible.</p><p>As his evil robot counterpart starts tugging at the waistband of his shorts with an impatient huff, Ted thinks that maybe he’s already enough for Bill the way he is, can do the same for him, and most definitely doesn’t need Evil Ted’s help.</p><p>Ted shudders with the way he slides off and away from his double, still half-hard in his shorts purely from thoughts of Bill, but he’s most definitely cooled off as he moves to sit at the foot of the bed instead to sigh into his hands. “I can’t do this,” he says, muffled against them. “It doesn’t feel right, it’s not - it’s not how it should go.”</p><p>“Holy shit, dude,” Evil Ted groans, so clearly tired of him. “If you just want me to lay back and take it, just say it!”</p><p>“That’s not what I mean!”</p><p>“So stop being a little bitch and just tell me what you want.”</p><p>Ted sighs again before smoothing his bangs out of his face and staring down at the floor, smiling at the empty can of Pepsi his boyfriend still hasn’t picked up from three nights ago. “I want Bill.”</p><p>Evil Ted scoffs. “Fine, I’ll go get him so you can-”</p><p>“<em> My </em>Bill.”</p><p>That earns him a second scoff of, “Homo,” before he hears Evil Ted sitting up behind him. “You know,” he starts as he crawls forward to drape himself over his human double’s back. “There’s ways I can make that happen.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>As Evil Ted hugs around his torso and presses his lips to his ear, Ted can hear the soft whirring of gears turning before an exact, whimpering replica of Bill’s voice whispers, “Please, Ted - make me feel good, babe, make me come.”</p><p>His cock would’ve twitched over it if this were the real deal, but it’s not even Evil Bill imitating his Bill. It’s a most heinous, most uncanny valley treatment of him from his own lips and it makes Ted’s skin crawl enough to fling himself off the bed and head for the door. Evil Ted nearly topples off the mattresses when he runs, his voice back to normal when he calls out, “Are you kidding me, dude?! You were begging me for this last night!”</p><p>Ted has to laugh at his audacity. “No, dude, you were. I’m changing my mind, alright?”</p><p>“Just like Bill’s gonna change his when you can’t get him off.”</p><p>Ted narrowly avoids the way Evil Ted tosses his shirt at him when he storms out of the bedroom, flipping off Evil Bill once he hears him going off about how he’s a pussy after all as he passes by him to get a towel from the bathroom. He doesn’t worry about the way his torso’s exposed since he’s banking on one of his usual ways to calm down to help him as he scoops up his keys and heads out of the front door. There’s no way Evil Ted won’t just insist on getting Evil Bill to help him out which is why he doesn’t get annoyed at the way they argue over him silently locking them in the apartment. He just hopes that they won’t destroy Bill’s clothes or anything else inside as he sprints downstairs to the ground level where he ignores the way he’s in street shorts instead of boardshorts before setting down his keys and jumping into the complex’s pool.</p><p>It’s a relief to see no one else is out here with him, always feeling a little self-conscious when he’s by himself among his neighbors without Bill. Pushing his wet hair out of his eyes, Ted turns to look up at the apartment, hearing the faint sounds of both robots yelling at him, and it makes him smile in a devious way that he doesn’t normally like feeling. There’s an undercurrent of pain, realizing that his robot self was just using him to get off instead of actually helping him like he should've anticipated to begin with, but it still feels so satisfying to know he’s one-upped them even if he hopes they don’t try to break down the door and piss their landlord off. He already put them on thin ice for covering their door in spray paint and if he didn’t think they were such nice guys otherwise, they would’ve had to buy a new one for him. In any case, Ted lets himself bask in the fact that the water’s cooler than usual to get rid of the last remnants of that half-chub before starting to take his first lap around the surprisingly large pool.</p><p>The pool was, in fact, part of the reason they agreed on this complex from the cheaper options they had. He’d never been interested in joining any swim teams since it was just another relaxing way for him to stim with his legs instead of whatever good mark on his permanent record his dad wanted to turn it into, but Ted fell in love with swimming thanks to his constant visits to Bill’s house and the one they had in their backyard. Bill taught him when they were really young and while it slowly became more off limits to them once Missy arrived and filled it to the brim with accessories and knickknacks, they still snuck in when she wasn’t around. Being out there with Bill without a care in the world was a part of some of Ted’s favorite memories from their youth, especially once they hit high school and he felt pangs of yearning every time he got to see Bill in his swimwear.</p><p>It’s a miracle he kept himself from kissing him when they waded and watched the sunset on the nights he stayed over.</p><p>Now in the present, Ted’s been able to kiss and hold Bill close on nights where no one’s looking in the pool he’s in now and he couldn’t be happier. It’s even more spectacular that Evil Bill &amp; Ted would’ve completely broken down if they’d taken a dip during some of those nights so it was be a special place just for them. As he takes a minute to catch his breath in the shallow end after his sixth lap, Ted leans his head on the metal bannister attached to the steps and knows that he has to make that next special place as soon as he can.</p><p>It has to be tonight that he makes love to Bill no matter how nasty his or Ted’s evil robot clone might get.</p><p>After he stays out long enough for his fingers to prune and his stomach to start growling, Ted forces himself to climb out of the pool and towel himself off so he can get back upstairs, only noticing when he’s away from the slosh of the water that he can’t hear anymore yelling. Maybe the androids did turn to each other instead of trying to break out after all and he readies himself for the possibility that he’s gonna find them spread out on their couch again as he reaches the third floor. He turns the lock and opens the door with a sigh of relief when he doesn’t, the house achingly quiet aside from the gentle hum of the fridge.</p><p>And, of course, the sounds of their street from their living room window wide open.</p><p>“Whoa,” he whispers to himself while he runs his towel through his hair again out of nerves and quietly moves to look in the bedroom. Evil Bill &amp; Ted aren’t there either, the makeshift outfit that the latter wore for him having been thrown on the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the bedroom. Ted doesn’t see his usual outfit anywhere either when he searches their small living space for any possible intruders or robots ready to prank him, so at least his lookalike isn’t streaking around San Dimas. As he leans over the couch to peer outside the window, though, it’s evident that the androids decided to escape the apartment, the only evidence being the decorative vase that Missy gave them as a housewarming gift laying shattered on the sidewalk next to a crack that developed in the pavement.</p><p>There’s no blanket or sheet made into a rope hanging out, so Ted can only assume they let their inner metal framework take the brunt of whatever leap or fall they took.</p><p>Even while he feels himself panic as he shuts the window and heads back into the bedroom to get some fresh clothes, Ted reasons there’s really not much he can do about it. There’s no telling where they could’ve gone, they wouldn’t be able to be reasoned with anyway with how obviously angry they are with him, and there’s no way he’s gonna call anybody to try to help stop them. It’s not like he can run to his dad to have him lead the entire San Dimas Police Department on a manhunt for evil robot clones of he and the man that his father clearly has disdain for and that’s without knowing how close he and Bill have gotten since the Battle of the Bands. Once he’s had something to eat after he’s gotten in a pair of sweatpants and one of Bill’s sleep shirts, Ted forces himself to sit down and finish that song instead of focusing on all the bad thoughts his mind wants him to obsess over.</p><p>The fact that he just knows Bill will find the perfect lyrics for it when he’s ready to work on more music is the main thing that makes him smile while he waits for him to get home.</p><p>It’s hard not to let those pangs of anxiety come out when Bill does return, though, nearly fearing that their doubles will be with him when he unlocks the door and shuffles in. Ted feels guilty when Bill immediately notices how obviously relieved he is when he realizes his boyfriend is alone, the other man immediately rushing to sit with him and ask, “What’s up, dude?”</p><p>Ted sighs where he’s sat watching a <em> Star Trek </em>rerun with his guitar still draped across his lap, waving his hand around to get Bill to look around the apartment. “Don’t you notice?”</p><p>Bill frowns before looking around, clearly straining his ears for any loud, overbearing noises before looking stunned. “No way, Ted.”</p><p>“Yes way, Bill,” he replies, nearly giddy with nervous energy. “They’ve been gone for hours.”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>Ted never intended to lie to him about the earlier encounter, but he wishes that the topic he wants to broach didn’t have to come out this way. He shuts the TV off and rests the remote on the nearest arm of the couch before setting his guitar against the end of the couch and turning where he sits to hug his legs against his chest and face Bill directly. “I think they hate us now because I wouldn’t - <em> be </em>with Evil Ted.”</p><p>He can’t say <em> fuck </em>for some reason, the word feeling gross on his tongue with the situation at hand. All it does is confuse Bill who laughs softly and says, “But you just did that last night. What’s the deal?”</p><p>“It’s different, dude. It was by ourselves while you were out and-”</p><p>“So what,” Bill asks, resting his hand high on his calf to run his thumb against his knee comfortingly. “Yeah, it would’ve been most appreciated if you told me about it, but I let you bone Evil Bill by yourself. So what if you do that too?”</p><p>He can’t help but be charmed with how willing Bill is to go for him, but he still shakes his head furiously. “I wanted to learn, I wanted to - wanted to be good for you. I just always want to be good for you, Bill, and I thought he could help me-”</p><p>“You’re always good for me.”</p><p>“<em> Bill </em>.”</p><p>Bill’s eyes widen before he nods softly, bringing his hand up so all of his fingers can run over his knee. “I’m sorry, Ted,” he says gently, making Ted ache a little over having to call him out for interrupting him. He barely does it, knowing how often Ted has been his whole life when it’s something genuinely important like this by people he’s decided not to have in his life anymore, but he’s always compassionate once he’s realized he’s done it. “Keep going.”</p><p>Ted smiles and leans down to kiss the back of his hand, resting his cheek against it as he says, “I thought he could help me figure out what to do for you - like that. I know what you want, dude, and I want to give it to you how you deserve to. Evil me said he could be of most assistance, but I guess he just wanted to use me.”</p><p>Bill shakes his head, his jaw clenching as he takes his visor off and tosses it onto the end table behind him. “He should be glad he’s not here,” he says, using his free hand to run his fingers through Ted’s hair. “Next time he shows up, he’s gonna be a pile of screws and wires.”</p><p>“He didn’t hurt me, don’t worry,” Ted says, trying not to get excited over this protective streak. “He was just a dick.”</p><p>“Even then, babe. You don’t need to do all that, anyway.”</p><p>“I know that now.” Ted moves up to rest his chin on his hand so he can let Bill see his face as he says, “I love you because you want every part of me no matter what. You take care of me and you just want what’s best for me and - I just got scared that you didn’t think you could do that with me. That’s not true, though, is it?”</p><p>He says it like a proclamation, watching Bill’s face for any denial but not finding a lick of it. “So not true, Ted,” he says gently before carefully sneaking his hand out from under him so he can cup his face with both of them. “Those evil robot uses were fun for a while when they weren’t being total dickheads, but it was you that I wanted to let them in for. There’s only a couple things I’d never want to do with you, I swear.”</p><p>“And I probably don’t want to do them either,” Ted replies, letting himself giggle softly and feeling warm when Bill laughs back.</p><p>“I guess I just thought they’d get in the way, you know?”</p><p>“Yeah. I do.”</p><p>Bill keeps smiling while he traces his thumbs along his cheekbones. “But I guess they’re not here anymore.”</p><p>So does Ted as he turns his head in his hold just enough to kiss one of his palms. “I guess not.”</p><p>“So now we could, like,” Bill says, his mouth staying just open enough to signal what he's thinking as he watches the way Ted kisses the other. “Ask for whatever we want with no problem.”</p><p>“A most fortunate happenstance, Bill, my love,” Ted agrees, moving to kiss the tip of his thumb instead. “So ask away.”</p><p>Now it’s Bill’s turn to look nervous, reminding Ted of the way he felt so hesitant to ask him to touch him that first time after waiting so long to get the chance. It felt like a dream that could end any second and he has to think it’s the same for Bill when he runs his thumb over his bottom lip and asks, “Could you - I mean, would you - be with <em> me </em>?”</p><p>Ted giggles against him before lightly tracing his tongue over him. “What do you mean?”</p><p>They’re both dancing around it to take the heavy edge off of the conversation, but Ted’s heart still flutters when Bill takes a confident breath through his nose and says, “I want you to make love to me, Ted. Tonight, the way <em> we </em>do, and for real this time.”</p><p>Ted nods against his hands before moving them to press against his mouth to kiss at his knuckles. “I want that too, Bill. Just say when.”</p><p>It takes him by delighted, most cheerful surprise when Bill pulls his hands forward to do the same and says, “When.”</p><p>Ted’s first instinct is to tug back and gently guide Bill into his lap, grinning when Bill follows his lead and sits himself down once Ted straightens his legs out for him. He scrunches his nose and laughs over the scent of greasy cheese flooding his nose once Bill’s settled and leaning in to kiss him, but Bill just laughs back against him and cups his face again. “Just a few more weeks, babe,” he says against his lips after they’ve let themselves fall into a sweet, languid rhythm. “Then I won’t smell like a mall ever again.”</p><p>“You could smell like one every day and I’d still want to do this,” Ted counters, hugging around his waist for emphasis with a kiss on his nose. “A mall that only sells the grodiest pretzels with rotten cheese wouldn’t stop me.”</p><p>“Bogus, dude!”</p><p>They both laugh brightly before Ted dances his fingertips under the hem of his polo to trace along the small of his back and says, “I mean it. Even if I never want us to ever have to wear these ever again.”</p><p>The way Bill says, “Then let’s start now,” before moving back to tug his polo off and toss it away makes Ted eager to pull him back in to kiss deeper and pet at his back. The last two times he had sex, Ted’s lips were left bruised and bitten, making him yearn for this soft, delicate tone even if he had fun in the moment. He knows they never meant anything, but this shift into something that always has and always will mean everything makes him feel so easy for Bill as he lets himself cup his ass through his slacks and squeeze over the way he can feel him getting chubbed up.</p><p>After all, Bill’s always been totally easy for him too from the moment he first wrapped his fingers around him.</p><p>That’s why Bill feels so energized to squeeze his thighs tighter around Ted in response as he starts to move against him, curling his fingers in his hair and tugging just enough to hear him hum. It all feels so similar to the last time Ted was being made out with on their couch in a new way, but Bill tries not to linger on it. If he does, the small voice in his head yelling at him to look around and check if their evil counterparts are nearby to interrupt will only get louder and he won’t let it drown out the sweet sounds of their mouths moving together. It’s only been a few days since they slept together, but he missed Ted, unbelievably so, which is why he whimpers when Ted pulls away to whisper, “You okay?”</p><p>He shivers at the feeling of Ted running his hands between his shoulder blades, noticing how tense he’s getting, and it makes him embarrassed even if he won’t outright lie. “It’s too quiet. You know?”</p><p>Ted nods, his mouth twisting to the side in the way he does when he’s trying to figure out how to comfort him. He kisses his cheek eventually, saying, “Go get in bed. I know what we need.”</p><p>Bill nods back before kissing him one last time and dismounting so he can head to the bedroom. He doesn’t bother picking up his polo, letting it lay there while he hears Ted getting up and putting his guitar away behind him. When he flops onto the mattresses, he runs his fingers through his curls and ruffles them around to let nervous tension out of his system. There’s no reason he should feel like this since not only have he and Ted been together countless times, this is something he’s most eager to have. The only difference is that he’ll be on the receiving end this time and even if it’s daunting, knowing those fingertips he’s felt against him will actually be inside of him makes him pant where he lays. Just when he wonders if calming down is gonna be impossible, he hears the sound of their record player’s needle dropping onto a vinyl before the gentle hissing of it turning gets followed by Sammy Hagar’s impassioned shriek of, “Hello, baby!”</p><p>Holy shit, Ted put on <em> 5150 </em>; if Bill wasn’t already in love with him, he would’ve fallen right then and there.</p><p>Once the first verse of <em> Good Enough </em>starts, Ted’s walking through the bedroom doorway to join him with that handsome grin on his face. “Is it too quiet in here now?”</p><p>Bill shakes his head. “Most definitely not.”</p><p>“Excellent,” Ted declares before air-guitaring, something Bill’s happy to join in on before the other man makes his way onto the bed and crawls to lay between his legs once he gently parts them. “Can I?”</p><p>He stares down at Bill’s lips when he asks and Bill’s all too happy to nod up at him, bringing his arms around his neck to thread his fingers through his hair when he leans back in. Ted shuffles to slot one of his thighs between his while he rests his forearms against the sheets, purposely avoiding touching him anymore to put everything he’s got into his kisses instead. Bill’s doing plenty of that for him, tracing little patterns against the back of his neck before bringing his hands to swoop under his shirt and do the same there. It’s clear how needy he is, so Ted giggles and bites Bill’s bottom lip teasingly before he pulls away to sit up and peel it off, taking a second to flip his hair out of his eyes and kiss the fabric. “You know why I steal your clothes all the time?”</p><p>“Why’s that, Ted?”</p><p>“I like having you around me when you’re not here,” he says, bringing it down to slowly run over his neck and doesn’t stop until he gets to the waistband of his sweatpants. “And it was the only way I could be inside you until now.”</p><p>The slacks he and Bill have to wear for work aren’t all that restrictive, so he can’t help but grin wider over the way he clearly sees Bill’s cock twitch in them. “How much did you think about it?”</p><p>Ted shrugs, his grin getting coy. “How much did <em> you </em>think about it?”</p><p>Bill swallows thickly. “A lot.”</p><p>“Not bad,” Ted says before dropping that shirt onto the floor besides them. “Me too.”</p><p>“So let’s do it, dude.”</p><p>“Outstanding,” Ted whispers before coming back down to kiss along the slope of Bill’s neck and chuckling when Bill gasps softly and cranes his head to give him access. As Bill rubs his shoulders in appreciation, he feels his fingers drift along the now fading bruise that other, terrible version of him made just 48 hours ago and he’s determined to never treat his Bill like that. He meant every word he said to Evil Ted last night; no matter how he may want to be treated sometimes, he’ll never dish it out to his boyfriend and would rather stay away from him forever than do something to hurt him. Ted would much rather move down to use his lips and tongue to map out every single mole and freckle dusting his torso that he’s had memorized ever since the first time he saw it bare. There’s no rhyme or reason to how they’re placed against his skin, but Ted decides to move in a slow, zigzagged pattern down his chest, unable to stop himself from flicking his tongue against each nipple once to make him moan softly in the back of his throat.</p><p>It’s then that he remembers what wonderful, new noises he might get to pull out of him tonight.</p><p>Once he reaches that freckle just below his navel, Ted undoes Bill’s slacks before curling his index finger into the waistband of his boxers and tugging it down enough to see the barely-there line of hair leading to his favorite patch of curls. He glances up to watch his face when he lightly blows on the skin, smiling to himself when Bill shivers and flushes over it. Pressing an open-mouthed kiss on the goosebumps that spread out first, he brings his other hand up to carefully tug his slacks down and kisses his closest freckle again as a thank you when Bill lifts up to help him get them off. He knows now how Bill really felt about last night, so he lets it linger when he presses his face into the seam between his thigh and groin and kisses through his boxers with a sigh, knowing that he’s gotta try to be more forward. “This pair’s so soft,” he breathes against the fabric, this pair sporting a plaid pattern he’s always loved. “Do I have to take them off?”</p><p>Bill laughs weakly while he sits up resting on his forearms to watch him rest his chin on the waistband. “How would you get me ready that way?”</p><p>“Maybe like this,” Ted says before reaching inside one leg of his boxers enough to drag his fingers just under the curve of his ass. “I think I could reach, dude.”</p><p>“<em> Hah </em>,” Bill gasps out when he kneads the skin there, another something he’s missed. “But then you’d just get lube all over them.”</p><p>“We’d wash ‘em tomorrow.”</p><p>“Babe, come on,” Bill sighs, bucking up at the way Ted moves his head back and nuzzles into his thigh. “I like this pair.”</p><p>The way he can feel Ted’s smile against his skin makes him hold in a groan, especially when he giggles softly and kisses there before he says, “Me too. That’s why it’s of most importance that I’m really careful right now.”</p><p>Just like that, he’s reaching up to tug them off so gently that Bill feels weak in the knees, his legs shaky as he lifts to let Ted pull them off. Luckily for him, Ted catches on and brings them up to rest over his shoulders before nosing along his cock with a soft groan of his own. “What do you want me to do?”</p><p>Ted sounds so earnest when he asks and Bill keeps expecting to hear him be called a name for it, but nothing comes and he’s thrilled. “Whatever you want, dude. Honest.”</p><p>The way Ted shakes his head makes his hair tickle his thighs and stomach, smiling with him as he does. “I want what you want, Bill,” he says, his voice not quite strong enough as he tries to lead but the care for him mixed with the way he sucks at his tip once makes him arch. “I could do that, but if you really wanted, I could go lower.”</p><p>He kisses from just under the tip down to his balls before tracing his tongue just under them to signal what he means and Bill nearly jumps with a choked moan, grabbing one of the hands he has wrapped around his thigh to get his attention with, “I’m totally gonna bust right away if you do that now.”</p><p>Ted brings Bill’s hand towards his to kiss before placing it on his head to get him to thread his fingers through his hair. “Then I’ll do the first one,” he says, carefully nosing back up to the head before kissing it again. “I wanted to save that anyway. When I eat you out for the first time, I want to do it until you finish.”</p><p>Bill could’ve busted right then and there at the thought of Ted only getting him off only with his tongue inside him, but his boyfriend has a sense for when he might and grips the base of his cock tight and waits until he steadies his breathing before sucking him into his mouth. It really is deeply mortifying how easy he is for his best friend, but he doesn’t know anybody that could blame him with how absolutely perfect he is. Bill pets through his hair and lets himself lean up into the plush, wet heat of Ted’s mouth while he slowly takes him deeper with every few bobs of his head, letting out shaky whimpers at how pleased he sounds to be doing it. Ted always laughs softly or whines in the back of his throat when he does this, so thrilled to be able to make Bill’s toes curl and breath catch like this, and Bill turns pinker at the way he stares up at him and smiles around him as much as he can.</p><p>As he moves his fist to cover what his mouth hasn’t reached yet, Ted briefly considers getting him off like this, but knowing just how good he can make him feel going even further makes him pull away with a pop. “Do you want me to - can I start-”</p><p>“Absolutely, dude,” Bill rushes out before haphazardly grabbing at the lube, knocking off an empty Doritos bag next to it and sending crumbs flying out onto the floor.</p><p>Ted’s too caught up in how cute he is to be mad at him interrupting, laughing as he gets Bill’s legs higher up in the air while the other man shakes off the few that landed on his arm. “I didn’t ask for <em> that </em>, Bill!”</p><p>“Shut up, Ted,” Bill laughs back once he gets the tube and tosses it to him after he lays back down. “I’m not the one who left them there.”</p><p>“You bought them.”</p><p>“And you ate them in here instead of- <em> whoa </em>.”</p><p>The way Bill flutters against him and pants when he starts rubbing slow circles against his hole with his lubed up index finger makes Ted feel like he’s nailing it already. Even if he’s so thankful he didn’t go through with his makeshift training for this, he reasons that all he really has to remember is how he touches himself like this. The worst case scenario is that he has to try to imitate the way Bill does it, but he’s made himself come enough times that way so he has to be good at it. He bites his lip and furrows his brow to focus on Bill’s face after he kisses the curls only meant for him to see and slips that first finger inside him.</p><p>The first thing that’s striking after Bill gasps out his name as his cock twitches right in front of Ted’s face is just how tight he is. It’s unrivaled compared to anything he was gushed about last night and the idea that he’s gonna have more than just this in Bill soon makes him have to bring his other hand down and palm himself to get some relief. Stopping halfway through, he kisses that vein he loves so much under his cock and asks, “You alright?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Bill breathes out, licking his lips and moving to sit up again. “Is it supposed to like, burn, like that?”</p><p>Ted nods, waiting to move. “It doesn’t hurt, does it?”</p><p>“That’s not it, it’s just - it’s weird.”</p><p>“We don’t have to do this if you changed your mind, dude.”</p><p>“No way,” Bill says empathetically, running his foot over Ted’s back in what he hopes he interprets as comfort. “I want this, babe, but just. Go slow?”</p><p>He could cry at the way Ted nods and moves to nuzzle into his curls again with a gentle sigh of, “I wouldn’t touch you any other way.”</p><p>And he doesn’t, staying close so he can shower Bill’s thighs and stomach with kisses while he starts moving his finger enough to fully sheath it. Ted takes care to entwine their fingers next to his hip as he moves, careful as he can be so he doesn’t startle him and make him clench around him. Every so often, Bill will shiver and squeeze his hand and it’s when he does that on nearly every pass that he decides it’s time to add a second one. He waits until he gets his blessing, of course, holding the tube up as he pulls out with a soft, “More?”</p><p>The way he looks up to find Bill’s in the middle of rolling his nipple between his thumb and forefinger makes him rut against the mattresses impulsively. “More.”</p><p>He’s happy to oblige, working quickly to get them ready in light of how Bill’s reacting. There’s the briefest flash of guilt he feels as he smiles over the way Bill shudders and grips his hand tighter once he’s stretched him further over the anxious thought that he’s clearly been sitting on this want for too long. He knows in his heart that it’s because of somebody else, people that even Ted occasionally has to remind himself aren’t the ones honking the horns outside underneath the sweet sounds of Van Halen. It’s not like he’s terrified of them or anything, but it’s just a reflex now to expect them and he’s so grateful for the quiet groans low in Bill’s throat as he experimentally spreads and scissors his fingers.</p><p>It’s hard not to feel smug when Bill locks his ankles around his neck and bucks hard once he decides to curl his fingers and make him feel even better.</p><p>“Oh my God, dude,” Bill pants after Ted moves his fingers away from his prostate so he doesn’t overwhelm him. “No wonder you sound most effervescent when I do this.”</p><p>Ted gives his cock a few strokes, the puddle of precum dripping onto his stomach causing him to make his own pre-mess in his sweatpants. “It’s good, right?”</p><p>“Most incredible. So happy I didn’t do this by myself.”</p><p>“Never?”</p><p>Bill laughs bashfully, trying to keep his breathing steady when Ted starts moving his fingers inside him again. “I totally thought about it after uh - you know who touched me, but I only got far enough to tease myself while I jerked off before I blew. It got me too hot, dude.”</p><p>The way Ted moans out as he mouths at that puddle tells him how crazy it makes him too. “And now we don’t have anybody to get in the way if you ever want to do it for me.”</p><p>Fuck, he so wants to, but that’s not the point. “That’s another thing, dude,” Bill says, arching with a low whine when Ted hits it again. “I know what to do to make it good and I would’ve just locked the door, but I didn’t want it to be me the first time. It had to be you; it’s always only you, Ted.”</p><p>Ted doesn’t know who could blame him for nailing it again once he hears that, his heart just as full of heat as his stomach is.</p><p>Bill isn’t suddenly the mewling, whining thing Ted knows he himself can be during this act, but it’s thrilling to hear him sounding a little more vulnerable. He almost sounds shy this way, not wanting to really let it out yet, and it’s as cute as it is alluring as Ted removes his fingers and gets another whimper in response. “Just one more, babe, then I’ll really make love to you.”</p><p>He didn’t think about it before the pet name came out of his mouth, but Bill grins down at him for it so he guesses he’s okay. “This one’s a lot, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Only for a second,” Ted assures as he gets his third finger ready. “It’ll be worth it and you can make me stop whenever.”</p><p>“So not doing that.”</p><p>The answer’s immediately and Ted gives that vein a sucking kiss in appreciation for how willing he is to trust him before sliding all three fingers in. Bill’s back nearly bows off the bed as he grips Ted’s other hand so tight that it hurts, but he could break it and he wouldn’t care as long as he’s making him feel incredible. Ted does try to keep it slow with the way his boyfriend hisses over it, but soon enough he has to bring their hands to Bill’s hip to keep him from moving against him. It’s when he goes from making sure he’s good and stretched to letting himself pet at his prostate once more that Bill gasps out, “Okay now, dude, now.”</p><p>“You’re sure,” Ted asks, pulling his fingers out until only the tips of them remain inside him. “If you want to just come like this, I don’t mind.”</p><p>“No way.” Bill brings their hands up so he can kiss into his palm and along his fingers before he says, “I want to come with all of you inside me.”</p><p>That’s not only enough to make Ted rush to put his legs down and get naked, but enough to make him laugh over the idea that Evil Ted could actually think Bill would get bored with him.</p><p>Bill laughs back even if he looks a little confused while he watches him. “What’s so funny, dude?”</p><p>Ted shakes his head, the way his cock springs out in the open once he’s tugged his sweatpants and briefs off making Bill’s mouth water. “Something stupid they said when you were gone. Don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“Why not?” Bill keeps his eyes on Ted as he comes to sit on his knees between his legs, avoiding the way Ted’s leisurely stroking himself to get slick for him. “They said stupid stuff all the time that pissed us off.”</p><p>“Exactly, Bill,” Ted says, looking down at himself and thrusting lightly into his fist. “It was stupid then, it’s stupid now, and it never mattered. They were only good for one thing.”</p><p>“Sex?”</p><p>Ted laughs again, more bashful this time. “No,” he says before he’s slick enough to bring Bill’s legs up over his lap and around his waist. “Reminding me that there’s nothing better than the most accommodating and handsome real thing I have right here.”</p><p>On his last word, Ted presses the head of his cock against him with the hand not wrapped around one of his thighs, making Bill whimper once more. “Dude,” Bill shudders out, “Why do you think I never did anything with evil you bigger than BJs?”</p><p>Ted grins. “I love you, Bill. You ready?”</p><p>“Yeah. I love you too, Ted, so much that - <em> oh </em>.”</p><p>Bill’s mouth hangs open as Ted slips the head in, letting it rest there while he processes having it inside him. Ted’s eyes are darting everywhere for any sort of sign that he’s hurt or uncomfortable and it makes Bill feel so incredibly safe in the most vulnerable of positions as he feels him tracing little circles against his thigh. He knows it’s gonna get even more overwhelming so he has to try staying where he is, reaching for that hand on his thigh to curl his fingers over and saying, “Keep going.”</p><p>“You’re okay?”</p><p>“Yeah, dude, just please move.”</p><p>“Okay,” he whispers as he looks down to watch the way he slides into him at a tenderly slow pace. “You gotta tell me if you want me to wait, okay?”</p><p>“Don’t wait,” Bill whispers back, gripping his hand tighter. The feeling is overwhelming and all encompassing, too much and just right all at once, but it’s everything he wanted it to be. Once Ted’s deep enough to not need to guide himself, he wraps his hand around his waist and strokes his thumb over his hip until he’s fully inside him and Bill could melt into the sheets. Letting himself lay back with a throaty moan that takes them both by surprise, he takes a minute to breathe as Ted runs his hands over him to soothe and calm him. “Thank you. Holy shit, thank you, babe.”</p><p>Ted grins, charming and beautiful as he slots his palms back into position. “I just want to make you happy, dude.”</p><p>Bill feels so lucky and in love as he lays his head back against the pillow and shuts his eyes. “You can move if you want.”</p><p>Ted absolutely wants, slowly dragging out before pushing back in and making them both whine in tandem. Bill feels impossibly warm and sweet which makes his head spin as he thrusts as gently as he deserves, hoping it’s enough even as Bill clutches at his pillow and runs his other hand over his chest. With the way his brow furrows as he pants in shaky breaths and palms his tits mixed with that way he can see a small pool of sweat start to form on his stomach, Ted doesn’t know where to look as he takes him so incredibly well. “I’m so glad I didn’t do this by myself either, dude,” he breathes, finally choosing to look at the way he’s drifting in and out of him out of pure shock more than anything. “Feels like you were made for me, like I was meant to make love to you.” </p><p>“You were,” Bill pants out quietly, forcing his eyes open to watch him watch them. “Us being together is what saved - <em> nnh </em>- what saved the whole world, dude, of course we were gonna fit together.”</p><p>“I knew you’d fit with me, I just didn’t know I’d fit with you.”</p><p>“‘Course you would.” Bill groans as he tugs at one of his nipples and raises his hips to meet Ted, giggling out, “There’s a reason we get married, isn’t there? We’re gonna have the best life, Ted, just you and me.”</p><p>Ted feels his heart swell as he grips Bill tighter and tries to angle himself so he can make him groan even more. “We already do, Bill. We don’t need a piece of paper to say it, but it makes it even better.”</p><p>He can see Bill start to reply, warmth in his eyes as he keeps staring up at him, but he’s really working to aim and he knows he’s nailed it when Bill’s eyes squeeze shut and his jaw drops in a silent moan. It creeps out of his mouth soon enough as his head thrashes softly against the pillow while he blindly fumbles for him. Chuckling, Ted obliges and moves the hand still stroking at his hip to grip Bill’s before bringing it to rest there with him. “Feeling good?”</p><p>“More than good,” Bill says, threading their fingers together and letting out deep, hearty groans every so often as they move together. “Magnificent, tremendous, most glorious - <em> unh, </em>Ted, babe.”</p><p>The way Ted giggles at him feels contradictory to the act at hand, but if anything it adds to the way Bill feels compelled to roll his hips into him. “I turned you into a dictionary, dude.”</p><p>Bill laughs breathlessly as he arches so much that he nearly loses hold of Ted’s hand. “That’s not the right word,” he says, his teeth gritting the harder it gets to say full sentences as he gets closer to the edge. “It’s a the- it’s a th- whatever, dude, just don’t stop.”</p><p>“Not a chance, dude,” Ted says, bringing the hand he’s got on his thigh down to run along his stomach. He’s keeping his composure and taking control, but in that wonderful Ted way that makes Bill yearn almost as much as he did when he first knew he was the one, and he doesn’t know if he can last too much longer with how he asks, “You want to know what else I want to do?”</p><p>“Tell me.”</p><p>“All the ways you’ve made love to me.” Ted traces over every freckle, every ridge of his stomach, and everything else except his cock as he smiles sweetly over the way he leans up into each touch as he says, “I want to show you how good you’ve made me feel and how good it’s gonna feel next time it’s my turn.”</p><p>Bill’s cock twitches in a way that borders on painful as his stomach tightens over the thought and he finds himself rambling as he pants, “I’ll ride you next time - you can have me in the shower, on the couch - even the van, dude, whatever you want.”</p><p>Ted whines at his words, finally letting himself wrap his hand around Bill’s cock to rub his thumb over the tip. “We’ll take turns having each other all over the house when we - <em> fuck </em>, once we buy it. Because guess what, Bill?”</p><p>Bill’s so close now, desperately thrusting up and whimpering when Ted won’t move over him. “What?”</p><p>Ted chuckles softly before burying himself deep to the hilt and grinding into him once he starts stroking him in earnest. “We’re free, babe. From them and everybody else.”</p><p>The way Bill nearly shouts when he comes makes Ted feel more than successful, watching in awe as he writhes with it and fucks into his fist. The pressure against him is even more spectacular too, nearly sucking him in deeper and sweeping him away into his own orgasm before he even realizes it. It feels so cheesy to know that they’re both coming together, the rush of Ted’s cum inside him making Bill even louder, but they’re too gone to be embarrassed. Once the next whimper Bill makes borders on uncomfortable, Ted relents and lets go before pulling out gracefully, nearly twitching over the mess he left. Before he can linger on it too much, Bill’s tugging at him with a soft, “C’mere,” that makes him weak in a much different, but even sweeter way than their lovemaking did.</p><p>Bill laughs when Ted falls forward to rest on top of him to kiss along his neck and chest with little hums and giggles. “Those tickle, dude!”</p><p>“Good,” Ted laughs back as he moves down to reach for his discarded shirt to clean the both of their stomachs. “I want to spoil you.”</p><p>When he throws it behind his shoulder to join his ruined sweatpants, Bill’s nose scrunches up in mild disgust. “That’s what I get for the crumbs, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Maybe,” he says with a wink before kissing him, the first they’ve had since getting undressed and he hums again when Bill keeps him close with his fingers in his hair. “I missed your lips, dude.”</p><p>“Me too,” Bill says before kissing at his bottom lip. “And I missed it being quiet.”</p><p>Ted knows exactly what he means despite their record still blaring in the other room. “We’re gonna be able to stay quiet until the end.”</p><p>The way Bill’s next kiss is featherlight this time tells him he knows exactly what he means too. “That’s gonna be a long time, dude. You sure?”</p><p>“Yeah. As long as you think I’m as good as making love as you are.”</p><p>Bill snickers before bumping noses with him. “Your lovemaking is most non-non-non-heinous.”</p><p>Ted knows that’s the best praise he could ever hope for.</p><p>Thankfully being able to be true to his word, Evil Bill &amp; Ted did indeed never come back. There are times where he fears that they’ll see their mugshots or police sketches of them whenever they flip on the news, but they never do. All he can guess is that they went back to 2688 to hole up in whatever secret lair De Nomolos has in future San Dimas and he supposes they’re all better off for it. With how the past month or so has gone, he wouldn’t be surprised if future Bill sees to it that they get a life sentence in future prison or something. Now the only time he gets any bites on his skin, it’s from the right version of him only when he’s up for it.</p><p>As they get older, they both worry at times that the androids were lying about their future, but it’s after Wyld Stallyns’ first album goes gold that the two of them can afford to make a down payment on a house in one of San Dimas’ nicer neighborhoods. That’s lucky for them since once they do and realize how spacious it is, they wonder if starting that family isn’t so bad after all. Sure, they’re only 23, but if they can take down an evil future empire, come back from the dead, and wrangle nearly a dozen historical figures together without a problem, they can definitely raise kids this soon. Joanna and Elizabeth are so moved once they realize their exes and bandmates are together now that they gladly offer to carry children for them and it’s a delight when they end up having two beautiful baby girls. The princesses don’t even laugh when the men obviously name Billie and Thea after each other and especially when they all agree to live next door to each other so they can have them in their lives.</p><p>Once the literal decades pass that it takes for them to finally legally marry, their vows don’t make much sense to anyone else but them, but they don’t care. Like they tell each other on the altar, Bill has his Ted, Ted has his Bill, and they never needed anyone but themselves to figure out how to make each other happy.</p>
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